The five words I hate most in the world? Quite possibly! I had a bad morning today. A really bad morning. A morning that made me want to punch the mirror, and cry. Two things I haven't done while getting dressed/putting on makeup in a long time. I already talked a little about the search for clothes, my weight issues in my 4 or 5 line mobile post.
I need control over my food, and I think I found a tool that can help me, but I have to put the work into it.
Those five words though haunt me. I've heard them my whole life, from my family. The people who are supposed to love and support you unconditionally. Today I got a variation from my aunt. You could have any man you wanted...
The end of the sentence is always the same, if you just lost weight. If you weren't such a fucking fatass is what I hear every time. "No one is going to look at how beautiful you are if you're fat." I know these things are true. I live them every day. Most people don't want the personality, they want the bikini model. That is something I will never be.
It sucks and its hurtful and mean. It makes me feel like shit. And when I am feeling this low and out of control, I eat. And I get fatter and apparently uglier. Some days, and no not to the point of depression that I've had in the past, and not to the point of self mutilation I've been to in the past, but I have to wonder why I bother.
I hate looking in the mirror, and what's funnier, I feel on one hand that my aunt, who tells me I need a man, and I would have one if... sabotages me. She tries to force food on me every time I go there, but she sabotages herself too. She only makes fried and/or fattening foods. She doesn't try for lighter options, partially because her husband, my uncle wouldn't know what to do about it, but also because she finds her comfort in food as much as I do.
I don't know if its more insulting or less insulting that someone who also has food and weight problems is telling me I'd be so pretty ifs... On one hand they can relate to them, on the other they know how bad they hurt.
I need to get to sleep. Early work day. Right now I'm just hoping I have a better day tomorrow. I worry sometimes that I will start that bad slide. It scares me. I've been through it so many times before, and sometimes I feel like I don't have anyone really to talk about it with who understands, but I know I have support, and people I can count on. I have a lot of people in my life, online and off that I never had before. I've got a boss that I didn't think existed. An extended family in the MFD that I can't imagine not having now.
Despite all of the pre-existing negative feelings, the hell I went through working at Baptist, and now this most recent bout of issues moving to Memphis was bar none the best thing I did for my life. I guess I can't fix all the 30 years of fuckup in 5 1/2 although it would be nice.
1 comment:
You are pretty. Not every man is as fixated on weight as your aunt is.
Every single person on this planet's taste is different, and no one speaks for all 6.5 billion of us.
Your aunt is not a lesbian.
Your aunt is not bi-sexual.
Your aunt is not a man.
Your aunt is in no position to make a statement about what men find attractive in women.
I, however, happen to be a man, and I happen to like women. And I'm telling you:
You are beautiful.
If you want to lose weight - be it because you yourself don't like the way you look, be it for health reasons, be it so you can buy different clothes, then you know I'll help you in every way I possibly can to reach that goal. And you can reach it. Yes, it requires determination, yes, it'll take a while. But it's by far not impossible, and millions of people have done it before you.
If you want to lose weight, you can, and you will, and I'll be there all the way to help you.
But do it because you want it - not because ignorant people who have no idea what they're talking about tell you to.
Your beauty is independent from your weight.
And you are beautiful.
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