Fear and Cycles

I was thinking today what an amazing motivator fear can be, or demotivator. I have fought many lifelong struggles, but at the base of all of them in one way or another is fear. I am afraid of everything, which at times includes a borderline agoraphobia.

My life started being afraid of being abandoned. Having no father, knowing he didn't want to be with us initiated that fear. My mother and grandfather always fought, and while I was the apple of my grandfather's eye, and he was my hero I was in constant fear that I would lose him or my mother.

I have always been treated a certain way because of my weight. Within itself there is a number of fears with that, but I wonder how much of the self defeat with my weight battle is out of fear. While it was negative attention I received it would be better than no attention, than being left. While "You'd be so pretty if you just lost some weight" was deeply hurtful, along with the teasing I received from my peers, and marked the way I continue to look at myself to this day, wasn't that still better than being ignored?

Its not an uncommon phenomenon for people who have the same issues, or similar issues than what I've had to have weight issues. There are any number of survivors of many types of abuse who use this same coping mechanism. Food is something I can control, in theory. I don't necessarily believe that. I believe that there have been very many times in my life I let myself be as controlled by food as any other addict by their addiction. The bigger issue at hand is that I use it to insulate myself, to keep people at a distance. I hate that I look like this, but if I look like this no one will want me. I want to be wanted and loved, but at the same time I am terrified to be hurt, again. If no one comes near me, they can't hurt me. Of course I still hurt, and because I hurt, I eat more to fill in that emptiness, that fear of being alone, and that pain.

I've been to therapy, which hasn't helped, I haven't quite stayed the course due to emotional issues or financial issues to deal with these problems. I have considered OA, but I don't know if that's an appropriate course of action, although its likely far better than doing nothing. Again, its that fear of being rejected even from a support group that keeps me following the same worn tracks.

Family Reunion?

So I know initially I wasn't going to use this about my daily stuff, but the more I think about it I wonder if I shouldn't shed the other blog all together. When AOL was closing their blogs I almost didn't carry it over, but I did. For whatever reason I feel more comfortable here. In any case, after nearly 30 years of silence (other than one unsigned card when I was like ten) I have been in contact with my biological father again. This is a very interesting experience for me. Even more interesting, after years of flak from my family about the amount of time that I have spent on the computer, our conversations and contact have been through yahoo, yim, and facebook. I will have to update you more as I have more details, but this is a new and interesting development that has slightly altered or may alter all my ongoing relationships in my active family.