This could be the most amazing thing I ever write. Or it could be the most horrible. I had the idea that instead of just the minutiae of my life that I normally blog that I could write about the things that might actually help people… maybe. I could write about the things that might help me, if I don’t drown in them first. I could write my story, the things that have made me, who I am, the events that shaped my life. It’s my story of love, and the search for it, about family, mental illness, and about addiction.
That being said I would like to say that I would be as blunt and as frank as other addiction stories, other life stories. I don’t know if I can be that honest, with myself. I paint myself as having had this horrible life sometimes. In comparison to others I guess it is, but then to others I have had a cake walk. When I sound derogatory about myself its not intended for pity, to garner favorable emotion or sympathy. It simply is how I see myself.
So, that might lead one to ask what do I see when I look in the mirror. (Or it might not, but I'm going to tell you anyway). What I see depends on the day. We all have good days and bad days. I know all of these things go without saying. Over all I see a cow. I know how much I weigh. I know how big I am, although I have days where I am shocked by how big I am. I am one of the women that I said, if I ever look like that, kill me, but I forget about that sometimes, or maybe the perception of what that size is changes. I have pretty eyes. I have cute hair at the moment, when I actually do something with it. The time I take to get ready, to put into my appearance also reflects on the how I feel about myself that day in many cases. And there is a reason I don't have mirrors other than my bathroom in my house. I don't want to look at myself any more than I have to. I don't understand places like my mother's house where they use mirrors to decorate. Big friggen mirrors.
I think this is a fair start for now. I'll come back soon and add to it. Hopefully this will be a very positive experience.
