Dreaming

As a child I had violent terrifying dreams. During times of stress I'd dream about the time I almost drowned. At least I think that's what the dream was based on. That is that was the dream I had until I had my car accident. (The big one) Now when I'm stressed a few things happen. I think/dream about car accidents. The waking thoughts are far more disturbing than the dreams because the dreams are fleeting. The other thing that happens is I have weird vivid dreams. Not necessarily the nightmares/terrors of childhood, but just weird dreams. I have been having them the last four days now. None of which make sense. The dreams always occur at the same time, at that well I had explained it previously as twilight between sleeping and waking, but I guess that would be more like dawn.

Friday night/Saturday Morning: I was called upon to visit a house to help the woman with one of her children. Specifically a seven year old boy that really just needed help and support. (How I was qualified for this I don't know) I entered the house and to my surprise the parent of the child was Madonna. In her home was her older son, a drunken frat boy who's idea of fun was making piles of empty liquor bottles on the young boy's possessions and making fun of him, and a 3 year old girl who at the exact moment was playing in what I thought was her mother's makeup, writing on the walls and people and anything else. I was in the midst of meeting the 7 year old boy being explained how he'd been advised to write in a journal about his emotions. He showed me the journal he was given - from the girl scouts (weird!) which was explained that it was the only one they'd had at the time and the older brother promptly tried to stack bottles on it. I broke away briefly to get the youngest child to stop putting the makeup on everything and to put it on herself, and well. I then found out the makeup was hers. Realizing I was doing what everyone else does, I returned to my focus, the young boy and took him to starbucks where we could talk without distraction. We spoke for hours, upon which his mother, Madonna, brought us Starbucks into Starbucks from a different location. I looked up to see my step grandmother and her other son (not my stepdad) staring at us from the table behind us, looking stock still like a creepy cardboard cut out. However the weirdness of this registered but my mind was more blown over the starbucks in the starbucks from a different starbucks (which sounds like a bad yo dawg)

Saturday Night/Sunday Morning: Not to be topped by the night before, I was with a group of people in a nigh indestructible car designed by mm (a person in the chat that I frequent online - the people I was traveling with may also have been chat people, but I don't remember who they are now) We were rescuing a young girl that had been kidnapped. This was not the first recent kidnapping, but this was the only girl that we knew of that was still in captivity. They stayed in the car keeping it as a getaway as I went into the large building. I found the room where the girl was captive, her legs had been cut, a knife or some other large blade stuck through the vent slats on the door to preclude the girls from trying to escape. Unconscious on the floor was George Washington! (An actual George Washington person, not a mask) It was unclear if he was the true kidnapper or a henchman, but I think it was believed he was a henchman. I carried the girl, who I believe was blonde, but her face was obscured the entire time out to the car, which was then blocked in by a van. From behind the van stepped the kidnappers henchwoman, my sister, who said she helped orchestrate all of this because she knew I would come to rescue the girl. I put the girl in the car and instructed them to get her out of there. They were reluctant to live without me, but backing out half destroying the vehicle that blocked them, they left me with my sister, where I woke up trying to convince her to leave her life of crime behind and she cursed me for not spending more time with her, but going to rescue strangers.

Sunday Night/Monday Morning: I had been talking to my biological father on the phone, he decided we should meet in Greece. The next thing I know I am on a plane to Greece, which is less set up like a plane and more like a series of overstuffed blue velour loveseats set in a u around an area. Before we were permitted to leave the plane the pilot had to take all of our money. I managed to obscure most of my money (two or three $100 bills) only giving him $16 or so dollars. Upon leaving the plane I went into an airport that looked like our airports here, the same news stands and shops, etc. I slipped out a door that I thought would lead to the outside because I needed to get outside to call my dad and to send an email for work. The door exited directly into racks of clothing that I had to push through, and was in a mall type store. Finally I found an area of toys that had benches that I could sit down at. I took out a laptop to send the email and call my dad. I wound up talking to a group of children that had been left there about toys, and about them being left there to wait. I can't remember if I sent the email or not, but I remember getting outside into the sun and being crushed when I finally got in touch with my father (my american phone working overseas) and he told me he meant we'd meet there "some day" and he wouldn't be meeting me now. I remember being crushed knowing that I had to go back home. (I never actually got to see any of Greece)

Monday Night/Tuesday Morning: Last night's weirdness was twofold. I woke up this morning trying to figure out the first dream and must have dozed back off. Part one: I was part of a group of human aliens had to collect clock parts. When we had all the clock parts we would be transported home. I remember talking to a group of my people, my mentor being one of them who was an older man laying on the grass half on and half off a blanket, all of it being lush green grass. Seeing people destroying the planet, that to my alieness looked so perfect and beautiful, I kept asking why people would want to destroy this plant, why people would want to leave because everything was so green and beautiful. The clock itself had a dial that would spin around as it clicked by and at every hour there was a piece that slid into a hollow. We had the three, but other pieces had already been filled in. I woke up pondering putting the piece in and kind of wanting to go outside, although we are not quite that green yet! I assume during this I dozed back off where the second part of my dream which was relatively unrelated happened. I was watching what was supposed to be some wrestling show between Kane and Vince McMahon (Kane was one of ours and was trying to leave to get back to the planet) and wound up being this huge half circus themed choreographed dance number that while I started watching from the wings, wound up watching from an overhead position. Apparently according to the dance, Vince had the flu and was trying to spread that to Kane to stop him from going back to the home planet.

Needless to say all week long I've woken up going what the fuck. Last night's/this morning's dream was the least ominous I think, was the only one not related to family, but interestingly did deal with moving times. I assume that's what's on my mind... especially since I thought the cable guy was coming out to set up the cable in the new place today, but he's not its tomorrow.

Can't wait to see what tonight brings!

Moving is stressful

And everyone who has ever moved ever is now saying... no shit tell me something I don't know! But the fact still remains I hate moving, and this move seems to be going much less smoothly than the last, or the first one. Or the time that I loaded my car with my belongings and drove from New York to Memphis in an effort to change my life.

I look around my apartment and I know in my head I already have a bunch of stuff in the new place, but it feels like I don't have anything done. I still have tons of stuff unpacked, or lined up waiting to go to the new place. I still need to do something with the furniture, exercise bike, make sure the utilities are fixed/cancelled. Pay the bills, which should be the last bills here, but this last debacle with bank of america really has me up a creek.

It shouldn't take too long to be able to save money again. I hope. After all rent is $121 cheaper a month! Even the market rate is cheaper than here, and the neighborhood isn't that much further down.

I've been so tied up with the move and with all the other crap in my head I feel like I've been neglecting work lately. I've been slow and sluggish on doing things, and I'm just kind of at a loss. I say on one hand I need a vacation, but I get so much time off its ridiculous. But its the balance of time, and the fact that my time management sucks. A lot.

I keep using the move as my latest benchmark for things too. I'll exercise more after the move, I'll get the time and such together after the move, I'll fix everything that's wrong after the move. Unfortunately that's not going to help me if my boss gets frustrated with me.

I don't think that will happen, but you never know. If working for Baptist taught me anything its not to get complacent in any job. I know there's way too much time that he DOESN'T need me. I know I'm kind of not always there when he does. I mean physically I'm almost always there. (No, not in a sex way. I could never think of him that way).

I don't know... all of this moving and packing has woken up a lot of things in me. Its made me very anxious and pensive, raised a lot of my unresolved childhood issues as well. Anger over things so out of my control and so ridiculous I then feel stupid for being angry about them, or crying about them. When all the stress and anxiety get to be too much I tend to cry a lot more.

I'm in a place right now where I feel like I'm losing my grip on things. Not to the past points of self destruction by any means, but just losing that tenuous grip a little bit. The situation with the guy a few weeks ago didn't help any either. I guess I should/could talk about that. And when I feel like this the "They're all going to laugh at you" voice is loud in my head again.

And lately the "Inside Out" has felt stronger than ever, because I kind of feel like I'm wearing all of my insides outside. I went through so many years of feeling like this, I hate feeling it again now. And yet, I am the one who gets frustrated with my living arrangements and slightly nomadic every few years.

I would love to just settle down into a normal life, but I've been so alone for so long now I don't know that I would know how. I don't know that I know how to make those compromises, particularly in a healthy relationship, or at least healthier than I've had before... which doesn't say too much when you look at the overall scope of things.

I am rambling tonight it seems like. I really started this just to talk about my moving anxiety and I seem to be talking a little bit about everything. I guess that's a good thing. I am getting use out of this at least. Making up for lost time maybe? And who knows how long my dedication to this will last.

In any case, I should go for now. Its late and I need to sleep. I need to get some real work done tomorrow, if for no other reason than so I feel good about myself and what I am getting done, although I'm pretty sure my boss would appreciate me doing my JOB.

I wish I could get over this knot in my stomach that I've had for the last several days. I wish I felt like I was on track, but I'm not. I wish there was a way I could counsel myself the way I like to and try to counsel everyone else. With the same view, the same objectiveness, the same perspective instead of feeling like I'm drowning all the time.

Such a follower

So, being a great follower of my friends, and allies and such I have gotten a formspring account, Formspring.me/JazmynGrey. I am not sure why I felt this was necessary other than "all the other cool kids were doing it".

Also the entry dated Saturday is incomplete, but I put it on hold and forgot all the joyous extrapolation I'd planned. Maybe it will come to me later. I need to do a bit more work and planning on the blog and see how its going to continue. I have lots of thoughts. Some of them important... some of them not so much.

A Change in Scenery

In my non everyday life blog I am going to talk more about my every day life and the things in it. I guess I should just officially change focus, huh.

After all its not like anyone reads this thing anyway ;)

There's lots of things going on, lots of things coming up. With this having not being intended as a daily blog I almost feel like I've talked a ton about myself, but haven't really said anything. Of course how much do you really need to know, and who is this mysterious "You" that I keep talking to? Also my memory sucks and I haven't re-read a lot of my old entries to know what I've talked about.

So, Hi. I'm me. I write stuff here. Ok sure you figured that out. I'm kind of rambling today. You likely figured that out too. I am moving to a new apartment. I am very excited about this. And of course I love every new place I move into. Until things start to go wrong. At least the ceiling didn't collapse in this apartment like it did in the last one. (Totally not my fault!)

You don't fix faith, River. Faith fixes you.

I feel like I haven't written in a very long time. Partially because I have lost the altruistic spirit that I started this blog with, to keep a voice that was essentially narrating my experiences for the good of others and not to turn it into a daily whining blog. Of course I've said that multiple times before as well.

My alarm went off this morning at 6:30am. Apparently I had my alarm set to "on" as opposed to "weekdays only". The only reason I don't recall it Saturday I suppose is because of the nyquil Friday night. I woke up this morning with an odd feeling....

I should go to church.

This actually left me with some odd thoughts. Where do I belong? I was raised Catholic, essentially renounced that when I was rebaptized Baptist. I don't hold to any tenets of either church. I don't believe homosexuality is evil, despite joking about it I don't really think I'm going to hell.

I am not atheist or agnostic. I have faith. I have a relationship with God. I don't need empirical evidence that he exists because I have had countless blessings in my life, that were more than luck, which is not to say I haven't had my trials and tribulations and doubts. I still have doubts, but after so many nights of being destroyed, of damaging myself, my mind and my flesh and begging for deliverance and coming out the other side relatively whole and intact...

I question the adherence to the Bible, and the selection of scripture to suit your needs. Even if the stories are true, and not just early quantum state phenomenon they were still transcribed by man, and thus subject to the views, the editorializing, and the embellishment of man's mind - not just of the original writer, but of the thousands of transcribers since.

None of this answers the fundamental question that kept me awake so early this Sunday morning. Where do I belong? I am of no particular defining group whether it be by my faith, my size, my sexuality, my looks, or my desires. I am a woman of this earth. I speak to God, and he communicates with me in the Earth. In each face, in each flower, in each cloud, in each blade of grass.

Do I need a definition? Do I need a structure to call my church as long as I know my heart and my faith. As long as I am true to my tenets and my beliefs? And who can judge whether that's correct.

The wisest thing I think I've heard is the parent that lets a child choose their own faith when they are old enough to make an informed decision. It is generous and wise, and the child will eventually choose their own path anyway. Forcing a child to church biases them against religion in a way, at least in some cases. Refusal to attend becomes less about faith, less about the deity of choice and more about rebellion.

I want to live my life without contradiction as much as possible. I don't understand love thy brother/sister, unless he is different from you. I understand don't love your brother/sister if they're an asshole, or you have some other reason. I don't understand going to church to hate and to gossip even if it via prayer. (Lord please help my daughter in law who is lazy and can't hold a job, etc) I don't understand books like the Gay Agenda... which I refuse to read but seems to preach hate.

I don't understand, and I don't want to belong there.