Self Examination

I have been thinking a lot about myself lately. I know this sounds kind of self centered, but its not thinking about myself in a prideful way. Just evaluating where I am, the pros and cons of my friendships in my life, the people who irritate me. This was never meant to be a daily blog, and it isn't. It is however a place to capture the thoughts in my head, and I still hold to that initial hope, that it could prove helpful to someone else one day... not that I think anyone reads this! If they do I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed. I guess it depends on what they get out of it, or if it comes back to bite me later. I know that sounds so incredibly paranoid, but I don't think its out of the realm of possibility considering the person who I seem to be clashing with the most lately.

That's part of my self evaluation. Trying to get myself back on a positive path in any number of ways. I am trying to achieve even small achievements. I think that's a good start. A list of goals that aren't all I want to lose x amount of weight or I want eternal happiness. A couple of years ago for Christmas, the very first year I worked for him actually my boss gave me a copy of the secret. I am wondering if I should read it and try this self visualization thing. Can it hurt?

I feel like I sound ungrateful a lot for the good things in my life. I am really not. I know I have phenomenal good in my life. I have a great job and a great job and right or wrong I couldn't ask for more or anyone better to work for. Particularly when I get into these... unmotivated states.

The people who I truly consider friends online and off are very varied, but are all amazing and provide support for me in many ways whether they realize it or not. I don't always advertise the days I feel my weakest.

I was determined some weeks ago that I was going to try to maintain a more positive outlook and reorganize my life, and to not be afraid. I am making slow progress. I am organizing the closet, making it more organized and categorizing things into bins rather than cardboard boxes. I am even throwing out excess and reevaluating some of the things that I've kept over the years. Transferral to bins is more of a financial issue. I should eventually pare the one big bin into a smaller bin, but its been pared down from two big boxes.

I have a hard time with the stuff from one particular friend, because it meant so much to him to be able to share my life and to be able to send me things to either make my life easier or to help me in some other way. He's tried so often to be there to hold my hand mentally/emotionally and offer support in ways I never had before. It was such a welcome change. Working days has altered that friendship even more significantly than just time itself, but he is still a welcome part of my life, and of my heart.

In other achievements my sister's birthday presents were sent in time to be early, but got there one day after Halloween, which was disappointing since the whole package was Halloween themed and I thought I mailed it in time to get there by Halloween. She said it might have been a problem on campus. In any case that was a win for me.

However it was also a loss for me. Despite my frequent weight gain in the last year I took the opportunity of the treat shopping I did for her to lead to compulsive eating again. Well I would have done it anyway, but it made it so much easier. I also spent too much money. On one hand I was working a lot of shows at the time so it didn't have as much impact as it could have financially. She loved it, and that's what I wanted. AND I got her Christmas present already.

This isn't all I wanted it to be, its just a section of my recent self examination. There, as always is more to come.