Moving!

I know I just did a post on moving, but this move was a little bit easier. I've moved over to wordpress. If you stumble over this come on over!

Alone

I wonder sometimes if I am going to be alone forever. I go through the motions - dating sites etc. But it seems like the only people I connect to are people that anything serious and lasting with would be an impossibility. Its very self defeating and in the long run leaves me feeling even lonelier.

I want a life and a family and as I get older I wonder to that is ever going to happen for me. More than that I miss having a physical connection with someone. Something beyond the sexual (although that would be nice since its been a few years now). I miss the simplest of touches, caresses, hugs, holding hands. Physical reassurance that no matter what kind of day its been or what is going on in life that I am cared for and loved.

Sometimes I can get by. Other times its much harder. Lately its been painful, particularly as I continue with the changes in my eating habits. It would be nice to have someone here to share that all with and to help me, but through the dating sites I could reach out to people, but my insecurities still have the best of me. I still live in fear of what people think of me and of my weight. Thinking that they won't love me because of what the shell looks like. Being frustrated because I likely will be judged so much more on the outside than the inside and knowing the hypocricy of that hurt because I am guilty of the same. Its human nature to an extent I understand, and I try not to judge on weight or too many extraneous factors. Looking at my failings in previous relationships and how I feel sometimes I wonder if I am just incapable of having a true loving, giving, mutual relationship.

Maybe I can only do that living inside my head where I can fantasize and idealize - or maybe living inside my head has been too much of an escape for too long (something I have done for as long as I can remember but I have found it to be different in recent years). I know that probably sounds crazy, but sometimes to be completely frank I feel like I am my only friend. Or at least the only person who gets me. While it was borne from coping with issues in my often solitary and troubled childhood it is something that has followed me - sometimes with disastrous results while I was in the lowest parts of my life.

Overall I am not depressed the way I used to be. I get down now and then, but now its more longing for a life that feels impossible to me. I am afraid that I have become so frightened and scarred by my experiences that I can't give myself freely anymore - that the fear of the pain associated with a relationship has rendered me incapable.

I don't want to be alone anymore but I don't know how not to be alone.

Fat and Dating

Yep I said the F word. My mom hates when I refer to myself as fat. I can be heavy, plus sized, above average size, curvy... any descriptive of fat, but I can't be fat. I have been working on that lately. I have been doing it for ME. I have curbed most of my cravings, although I did go a little crazy on the cool whip lite tonight. I am consistently under my calories and for the first time in my life I am consistently active. Walking at least a mile at least 3-4 times a week. Its been good. I feel good. I'm taking time and eating better. These are all good changes, but its brought up some interesting conversation.

One of which was a conversation I had recently with my aunt about losing weight to find a man. First of all that's not why I am losing weight, I don't want to die. Second of all why do I want the man who doesn't want me for who I am when I am fat? On the other hand, I've found the men who like fat girls are generally looking for someone to dominate (not in a good fun way). That's what I found with the airforce guy a few months ago, at least in my opinion. I was beneath him (no not literally) so I wasn't supposed to say no.

For some ungodly reason, maybe years of being fat and bad relationships I have gotten a little bit of self respect. I know what I have been through and I know what I will not put up with again.

It also gave me some insight into my aunt and uncle's marriage. Mind you my uncle is my blood relative so I can say this knowing how much it reflects on me and my family and knowing that it sounds like I'm choosing non-blood over blood. Also, insight onto the badness of fat in the eyes of my family.

My uncle is an asshole. He's cheated and lied more of their marriage than any of us except for him really know. They were divorced for years, years that my aunt has put a great deal of weight on from the 118 she was when they started dating that started with my uncle telling her that if she lost like 30 lbs he'd go out with her. And she lost slightly more. They married because she got pregnant. He cheated on her throughout, they divorced, he moved back in the house, combated drinking and each other. They are as odd of a couple as you will find. On one hand I think there has to be a great underlying love there, the romantic side of me really wants to think that. On the other hand it makes me wonder if she is so down on herself for all the yo-yoing her weight has done over the years, and the significant increase in the last couple and my uncle's incessant need to point it out in less than delicate ways that she thinks she can't do better, so she continues to put up with his stupid shit.

However much I want to have a life, a marriage (not just a wedding, and not a disposable marriage), and a family of my own I don't want to be caught up in someone else's bullshit. I don't want to be devalued as a person to make someone else feel better about their shortcomings. I know no one is perfect, and I can already point out way more of my flaws and imperfections more than anyone else in the world. I don't need to be made to feel worse about it. I will not put up with the bullshit, the drug use, the threatened violence, and the actual violence that has been in my past. If you can't love my ass while its fat, you don't deserve to love it when and if it gets skinny.