Yep I said the F word. My mom hates when I refer to myself as fat. I can be heavy, plus sized, above average size, curvy... any descriptive of fat, but I can't be fat. I have been working on that lately. I have been doing it for ME. I have curbed most of my cravings, although I did go a little crazy on the cool whip lite tonight. I am consistently under my calories and for the first time in my life I am consistently active. Walking at least a mile at least 3-4 times a week. Its been good. I feel good. I'm taking time and eating better. These are all good changes, but its brought up some interesting conversation.
One of which was a conversation I had recently with my aunt about losing weight to find a man. First of all that's not why I am losing weight, I don't want to die. Second of all why do I want the man who doesn't want me for who I am when I am fat? On the other hand, I've found the men who like fat girls are generally looking for someone to dominate (not in a good fun way). That's what I found with the airforce guy a few months ago, at least in my opinion. I was beneath him (no not literally) so I wasn't supposed to say no.
For some ungodly reason, maybe years of being fat and bad relationships I have gotten a little bit of self respect. I know what I have been through and I know what I will not put up with again.
It also gave me some insight into my aunt and uncle's marriage. Mind you my uncle is my blood relative so I can say this knowing how much it reflects on me and my family and knowing that it sounds like I'm choosing non-blood over blood. Also, insight onto the badness of fat in the eyes of my family.
My uncle is an asshole. He's cheated and lied more of their marriage than any of us except for him really know. They were divorced for years, years that my aunt has put a great deal of weight on from the 118 she was when they started dating that started with my uncle telling her that if she lost like 30 lbs he'd go out with her. And she lost slightly more. They married because she got pregnant. He cheated on her throughout, they divorced, he moved back in the house, combated drinking and each other. They are as odd of a couple as you will find. On one hand I think there has to be a great underlying love there, the romantic side of me really wants to think that. On the other hand it makes me wonder if she is so down on herself for all the yo-yoing her weight has done over the years, and the significant increase in the last couple and my uncle's incessant need to point it out in less than delicate ways that she thinks she can't do better, so she continues to put up with his stupid shit.
However much I want to have a life, a marriage (not just a wedding, and not a disposable marriage), and a family of my own I don't want to be caught up in someone else's bullshit. I don't want to be devalued as a person to make someone else feel better about their shortcomings. I know no one is perfect, and I can already point out way more of my flaws and imperfections more than anyone else in the world. I don't need to be made to feel worse about it. I will not put up with the bullshit, the drug use, the threatened violence, and the actual violence that has been in my past. If you can't love my ass while its fat, you don't deserve to love it when and if it gets skinny.
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