Alone

I wonder sometimes if I am going to be alone forever. I go through the motions - dating sites etc. But it seems like the only people I connect to are people that anything serious and lasting with would be an impossibility. Its very self defeating and in the long run leaves me feeling even lonelier.

I want a life and a family and as I get older I wonder to that is ever going to happen for me. More than that I miss having a physical connection with someone. Something beyond the sexual (although that would be nice since its been a few years now). I miss the simplest of touches, caresses, hugs, holding hands. Physical reassurance that no matter what kind of day its been or what is going on in life that I am cared for and loved.

Sometimes I can get by. Other times its much harder. Lately its been painful, particularly as I continue with the changes in my eating habits. It would be nice to have someone here to share that all with and to help me, but through the dating sites I could reach out to people, but my insecurities still have the best of me. I still live in fear of what people think of me and of my weight. Thinking that they won't love me because of what the shell looks like. Being frustrated because I likely will be judged so much more on the outside than the inside and knowing the hypocricy of that hurt because I am guilty of the same. Its human nature to an extent I understand, and I try not to judge on weight or too many extraneous factors. Looking at my failings in previous relationships and how I feel sometimes I wonder if I am just incapable of having a true loving, giving, mutual relationship.

Maybe I can only do that living inside my head where I can fantasize and idealize - or maybe living inside my head has been too much of an escape for too long (something I have done for as long as I can remember but I have found it to be different in recent years). I know that probably sounds crazy, but sometimes to be completely frank I feel like I am my only friend. Or at least the only person who gets me. While it was borne from coping with issues in my often solitary and troubled childhood it is something that has followed me - sometimes with disastrous results while I was in the lowest parts of my life.

Overall I am not depressed the way I used to be. I get down now and then, but now its more longing for a life that feels impossible to me. I am afraid that I have become so frightened and scarred by my experiences that I can't give myself freely anymore - that the fear of the pain associated with a relationship has rendered me incapable.

I don't want to be alone anymore but I don't know how not to be alone.