You don't fix faith, River. Faith fixes you.

I feel like I haven't written in a very long time. Partially because I have lost the altruistic spirit that I started this blog with, to keep a voice that was essentially narrating my experiences for the good of others and not to turn it into a daily whining blog. Of course I've said that multiple times before as well.

My alarm went off this morning at 6:30am. Apparently I had my alarm set to "on" as opposed to "weekdays only". The only reason I don't recall it Saturday I suppose is because of the nyquil Friday night. I woke up this morning with an odd feeling....

I should go to church.

This actually left me with some odd thoughts. Where do I belong? I was raised Catholic, essentially renounced that when I was rebaptized Baptist. I don't hold to any tenets of either church. I don't believe homosexuality is evil, despite joking about it I don't really think I'm going to hell.

I am not atheist or agnostic. I have faith. I have a relationship with God. I don't need empirical evidence that he exists because I have had countless blessings in my life, that were more than luck, which is not to say I haven't had my trials and tribulations and doubts. I still have doubts, but after so many nights of being destroyed, of damaging myself, my mind and my flesh and begging for deliverance and coming out the other side relatively whole and intact...

I question the adherence to the Bible, and the selection of scripture to suit your needs. Even if the stories are true, and not just early quantum state phenomenon they were still transcribed by man, and thus subject to the views, the editorializing, and the embellishment of man's mind - not just of the original writer, but of the thousands of transcribers since.

None of this answers the fundamental question that kept me awake so early this Sunday morning. Where do I belong? I am of no particular defining group whether it be by my faith, my size, my sexuality, my looks, or my desires. I am a woman of this earth. I speak to God, and he communicates with me in the Earth. In each face, in each flower, in each cloud, in each blade of grass.

Do I need a definition? Do I need a structure to call my church as long as I know my heart and my faith. As long as I am true to my tenets and my beliefs? And who can judge whether that's correct.

The wisest thing I think I've heard is the parent that lets a child choose their own faith when they are old enough to make an informed decision. It is generous and wise, and the child will eventually choose their own path anyway. Forcing a child to church biases them against religion in a way, at least in some cases. Refusal to attend becomes less about faith, less about the deity of choice and more about rebellion.

I want to live my life without contradiction as much as possible. I don't understand love thy brother/sister, unless he is different from you. I understand don't love your brother/sister if they're an asshole, or you have some other reason. I don't understand going to church to hate and to gossip even if it via prayer. (Lord please help my daughter in law who is lazy and can't hold a job, etc) I don't understand books like the Gay Agenda... which I refuse to read but seems to preach hate.

I don't understand, and I don't want to belong there.