Parents... who needs them

(Warning: I am a whiny bitch tonight)

So when do you reach the point when you stop wanting parents? Well I have parents, and recently I have an abundance of parents. I have my mother, who has Multiple Sclerosis, and it is worsening, and I would love to help her. She just needs to understand that the same way her life did not stop for me when I needed a mother, I will not surrender my entire life to slave to her. I know that sounds bitchy, but you don't know my mother like I know my mother. Even before her illness progressed she used it when it was worthwhile to her. There is very little talking to my mother without screaming first, and there is something to be said for the woman who put me on my first diet when I was 9 years old. There's nothing that belittles self esteem like You'd be so pretty if you just lost some weight. We cannot agree on the level of physical violence in my childhood, although I get told on a regular basis that I was regularly alternately neglected and abused. She denies all of this, and has told me that I have made it all up. There is much more I can say about my mother, that I can continue to say about my mother, but the thing I guess that I still want the most, and the reason that I started writing this is I long to have that mother/daughter relationship that lets me be in the same room with her for more than a day without wanting to throttle her. I love my mother don't get me wrong, but the relationship we had was unhealthy at best.

My step-father is a psychologist. Not only did he have to deal with my mother, but he dealt with my troubled relationship with my mother, often mediating in way we'd never had before. He was a clear help in the physical aspect of my relationship with my mother, often coming between us when she appeared to be gearing for an assault. Still he was somewhat removed from the family, did not truly foster any of my likes, or desires in a nurturing way. When talking about wanting to be a chorus teacher the biting (and what he thought was humorous I'm sure) response was "Those who can't do, teach." A favorite game at family events would seem to be starting a discussion about how many mistakes I had made in my life.

Both he and my mother fostered my loneliness by limiting my access to friends and interaction with people. I was not permitted to much of the things that my peers did. Something that I still cope with. Something that has manifested itself in social anxiety as I've gotten older.

I've talked a lot about my biological father a lot lately. His non presence was a great influence in my life as well. I was not permitted to talk about him often because it might not sit well with my step father or my grandfather who was the guiding male figure in my life prior to my mother getting married when I was 13.

I struggle so much with the relationship with my mother, and the relationships with both of my fathers. My stepfather is still distant, which I can give a lot of reasons for, but it doesn't make it any less hurtful. Our family is just warmer, I'm just a warmer person. He truly does the best he can though I think.

I have been told for ever that my mother was just a poor 19 year old, she was the best mother she knew how to be, that she did the best she could, that she was good to me. I would like to believe all that, but I would also like to feel more bonded to my mother and I just don't. I wonder if its too late to fix that. She currently exhausts me. Everything is about her, it has to be. It always has been that way. She was incapable of being a loving supportive mother because of her disease, because of her own upbringing, but people make choices. At any time she could have chosen to rise above, something I struggle with every day.

I want to be better, I want to learn how to fix myself. I want to forgive the things that were done to me. I want to better appreciate the things that are done for me! I want to be more patient, and to be so frustrated when I am faced with whining and excuses from my parents that make them seem more of a child than I've ever been.

I think I am done whining for now. I was hoping this would prove more cathartic. Perhaps I am not finished with this topic...