Its not a physical hurt, there is an ache in my heart that I have always had, but sometimes it comes back more than others. All the pain, the anger, the loneliness in my life sitting in a ball in my chest. It aches so much that the slightest outside influence can bring me to tears. I have been touched y so much in the last few days in some ways, and in others I feel so lonely, so bereft.
I don't know what I'm doing or where I'm going. I feel so lost. I feel like my life is slipping away from me again, and while I'm not mutilating this time, or suicidal I still feel out of touch. I am reading "Breaking Free from Emotional Eating" which is something of a mixed blessing, as well as trying to follow up on the advice that I've been given before, which is to write some of the stories of things that have happened to me down. This blog may wind up a spring board, or a catchment area for a lot of those ideas in the days and weeks to come.
My mother is on my case to make peace with my bio dad and to be duplicitous with my step father. I will not deceive my stepfather - well adoptive father to suit my mother's needs. So much I want to say, and not able to collect the thoughts at the moment.
My mother called me today, she's been having a string of good days since she went back on her MS medication, which is great. I am happy for her. Her doctors swear she's not in alzheimers that all of her problems are due to the MS. That's good, although she's told me her brain is shrinking and my boss (a doctor) has said that's part of dimentia. If there's anything that describes my mother its demented. (sometimes) She likes to talk to me and offer advice about my relationship with my biological father, and tell me how much they're communicating. That's great for her... so she can get her childlike fixation back on him again... and he can break her heart, again. At least this time he can't knock her up. She's in therapy now so she thinks she's this all knowing beacon of light. She had a major breakthrough today because she dealt with the fact that her mother died when she was young and she's had to deal with all the doctors and stuff for her MS herself. The way she talked about it she sounded like her mother would still be doing all this stuff for her. It was really weird. But her breakthrough was about being angry about it I think, and the quack she's going to told her that its made her that much stronger to not have that. That my mother always tells herself she can't, but she always does. She does because she has to like everyone else. We all survive because we need to. To me this is not a breakthrough, and she didn't do everything herself. She's clearly forgotten all that my grandfather did for her. He made it so she didn't have to work for years, be bought her vehicles that she never took care of, gave her (and me) a comfortable home that she subsequently punched holes in the walls when she was drinking and angry... and sometimes when she wasn't drinking. She also is having a breakthrough on how she needs to feel less guilty about having been a shitty mother in so many ways. Because it just wasn't her fault... She did the best she could... and I guess if that wasn't good enough too fucking bad.
I know I am too old to be angry about some of this stuff still. At least that's what I'll be told, mainly by her, but this is the same woman who still talks about her emotionally bereft childhood and the boy that she loved that left her. Its kind of like ok it was 35+ years ago. Get over it. Sometimes it feels like my sister talks to me like a mom. My mother wants me to lie for her and keep her secrets which I have very mixed feelings about. One, I don't like lying to my sister or anyone else that my mother asks me to "cover for her" with. The other is why am I the one who has to hold the secrets, why don't I get to be protected, why don't I get to be the one she's afraid to tell. I am just as angry as everyone else would be, just as disappointed, and more so because I have to lie about it.
Tonight's cake taker was I needed my stepfather's address since he'd recently moved. She gave it to me but asked when I send the card if I could put A. Tucci on it instead of using an address label so his girlfriend might think it was from her. She's fucking insane.
She always seems surprised when I have so much anger at my biofather but doesn't realize a lot of that is the same anger that is directed at her. I am tired of the I have problems with alcohol or drugs whether I see them or not so the things in my life that are fucked up are not my fault. Poor me wah wah. I mean I get like that too, but half the shit I went through, most of the shit I've gone through has been from the path those two have set me on. i can't forgive that easily. And even if I try to forgive I can't forget. I am angry. I'm hurt that he's such an asshole. I hate that he reminds me so much of my past too. That he asked for so much right off the bat. That he wants this on his terms.
In any case, I'm being whiny and I'm tired. My boss is out of town and I keep horrible hours when I don't have to work the next day.
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