Hate

I don't like hating, its counter productive, but I am so damn good at it sometimes it scares me. My mom talks about admonishing me (aka screaming/possibly striking me) when I said I hated something or someone for that very reason. "It's not nice to hate". She says she feels bad about that now, and in some ways I think she should, in other ways its a valuable lesson.

I hate the way I look and very often I actually hate myself. I ty to do things to remedy this, to break this cycle of self hatred. For two months I exercised every day, either riding an exercise bike, or when I could going on the treadmill at my boss'. I felt good about that other than the days that my ankles hurt from using the bike barefoot considering the history of planters facaeitis (that is so spelled wrong). I have found that I think regular exercise gives me a license to eat more. For the last week I haven't done any exercise at all.

Inside my head I can be terribly mean, beyond my usual sarcasm and cutting remarks. Many times it is with people that I see going along similar paths that I have gone down. Particularly when despite my dislike for someone I've tried to offer the best advice from my experience. That is the benefit of having the experiences that I've had.

I hate my inability to relate to my peers sometimes. I feel like I am lightyears away from them. I am still dealing in real life with feelings of social anxiety and in both my real and online lives my feelings of ongoing solitude even while in a crowd. It's a funny conundrum. The people who seek complete attention all the time irk me, at the same time when I feel vulnerable and share a piece of myself I fell angry if no one gives me that same attention. The problem is always the same, I don't connect enough. I have been rejected by the people in my life, including myself so often that I am afraid of opening up to people, and always keep myself just slightly removed from the group. At the same time the last time I became part of "the group" it felt like they did nothing but tear down other people, and that's not how I want to get my self esteem. Making other people hurt like I have hurt is not helpful.

I don't walk outside because in my head I still hear every taunt about my weight that I have ever heard. It haunts me and still continues to frighten me sometimes. I hate the weaknesses in myself. I hate this lack of control I feel. I hate that I have been so overtly negative lately.