Self Image

Every day I look in the mirror. There are so many days I hate what I see. I am too fat, my hair won't do right, I have any number of things that I can point out wrong about me. I can always find the worst things. A friend sent this to me not long ago, shortly after I sent it to my mother and my sister, to convey the same message.



My battle with self image has been a long one starting from my youth, very early on. I was the "chubby kid", not anything close to what you see in today's youth now. I wasn't much bigger than my peers, but enough to be made fun of, and lets just say the having glasses since kindergarten didn't help. My mother and I went down a long contentious road with my image, a lot of it dealing with her own self image. My mother has always been thin. I have always been heavy. This led to a long road of hiding food, compulsive/obsessing eating, stealing money to aid the compulsive eating. I have done a lot of things in my life I am not proud of. I have read a lot of things over the years, gone to therapy, been hospitalized for depression related to of the many reasons my "eating disorder". So, what possessed me to write this today? I have been thinking a lot about this.

My mother and I went round and round in High School about my weight and how I looked. My little sister's prom dress was the same exact size that mine was. My sister has always been supported and loved and told that she was beautiful. I bear very little jealousy over that per se. I have told her just the same. And she is beautiful and special, and no one should tell her differently. I am grateful that she never went the route that I did.

That still doesn't bring me to the point of this. I think everyone should be made to believe they are beautiful and special. The only issue with weight that I have is when it is to a point of being unhealthy. It scares me to think about my own issues. I have aches and pains that I shouldn't at 34. I hate the way my body looks, but at the same time there are people who tell me I'm beautiful. There are people who believe that I could become a field Paramedic, or at the least an EMT despite my physical limitations.



So what is beauty, how do we feel beautiful? What makes us beautiful? I wish I could answer that. I know beauty is different things to different people. I know that sometimes people see different things in people. How do I feel beautiful? I can play with my hair and my makeup, I have dyed my hair a thousand different colors (all naturally occurring shades) although I am back to my natural color now. I have had all different hair cuts. It helps a little. I have lost weight, and gained weight (mostly gained) I still don't feel beautiful. So, how do I fix my issues, and how can I help other people fix their issues?