Moving is stressful

And everyone who has ever moved ever is now saying... no shit tell me something I don't know! But the fact still remains I hate moving, and this move seems to be going much less smoothly than the last, or the first one. Or the time that I loaded my car with my belongings and drove from New York to Memphis in an effort to change my life.

I look around my apartment and I know in my head I already have a bunch of stuff in the new place, but it feels like I don't have anything done. I still have tons of stuff unpacked, or lined up waiting to go to the new place. I still need to do something with the furniture, exercise bike, make sure the utilities are fixed/cancelled. Pay the bills, which should be the last bills here, but this last debacle with bank of america really has me up a creek.

It shouldn't take too long to be able to save money again. I hope. After all rent is $121 cheaper a month! Even the market rate is cheaper than here, and the neighborhood isn't that much further down.

I've been so tied up with the move and with all the other crap in my head I feel like I've been neglecting work lately. I've been slow and sluggish on doing things, and I'm just kind of at a loss. I say on one hand I need a vacation, but I get so much time off its ridiculous. But its the balance of time, and the fact that my time management sucks. A lot.

I keep using the move as my latest benchmark for things too. I'll exercise more after the move, I'll get the time and such together after the move, I'll fix everything that's wrong after the move. Unfortunately that's not going to help me if my boss gets frustrated with me.

I don't think that will happen, but you never know. If working for Baptist taught me anything its not to get complacent in any job. I know there's way too much time that he DOESN'T need me. I know I'm kind of not always there when he does. I mean physically I'm almost always there. (No, not in a sex way. I could never think of him that way).

I don't know... all of this moving and packing has woken up a lot of things in me. Its made me very anxious and pensive, raised a lot of my unresolved childhood issues as well. Anger over things so out of my control and so ridiculous I then feel stupid for being angry about them, or crying about them. When all the stress and anxiety get to be too much I tend to cry a lot more.

I'm in a place right now where I feel like I'm losing my grip on things. Not to the past points of self destruction by any means, but just losing that tenuous grip a little bit. The situation with the guy a few weeks ago didn't help any either. I guess I should/could talk about that. And when I feel like this the "They're all going to laugh at you" voice is loud in my head again.

And lately the "Inside Out" has felt stronger than ever, because I kind of feel like I'm wearing all of my insides outside. I went through so many years of feeling like this, I hate feeling it again now. And yet, I am the one who gets frustrated with my living arrangements and slightly nomadic every few years.

I would love to just settle down into a normal life, but I've been so alone for so long now I don't know that I would know how. I don't know that I know how to make those compromises, particularly in a healthy relationship, or at least healthier than I've had before... which doesn't say too much when you look at the overall scope of things.

I am rambling tonight it seems like. I really started this just to talk about my moving anxiety and I seem to be talking a little bit about everything. I guess that's a good thing. I am getting use out of this at least. Making up for lost time maybe? And who knows how long my dedication to this will last.

In any case, I should go for now. Its late and I need to sleep. I need to get some real work done tomorrow, if for no other reason than so I feel good about myself and what I am getting done, although I'm pretty sure my boss would appreciate me doing my JOB.

I wish I could get over this knot in my stomach that I've had for the last several days. I wish I felt like I was on track, but I'm not. I wish there was a way I could counsel myself the way I like to and try to counsel everyone else. With the same view, the same objectiveness, the same perspective instead of feeling like I'm drowning all the time.

Hate

I don't like hating, its counter productive, but I am so damn good at it sometimes it scares me. My mom talks about admonishing me (aka screaming/possibly striking me) when I said I hated something or someone for that very reason. "It's not nice to hate". She says she feels bad about that now, and in some ways I think she should, in other ways its a valuable lesson.

I hate the way I look and very often I actually hate myself. I ty to do things to remedy this, to break this cycle of self hatred. For two months I exercised every day, either riding an exercise bike, or when I could going on the treadmill at my boss'. I felt good about that other than the days that my ankles hurt from using the bike barefoot considering the history of planters facaeitis (that is so spelled wrong). I have found that I think regular exercise gives me a license to eat more. For the last week I haven't done any exercise at all.

Inside my head I can be terribly mean, beyond my usual sarcasm and cutting remarks. Many times it is with people that I see going along similar paths that I have gone down. Particularly when despite my dislike for someone I've tried to offer the best advice from my experience. That is the benefit of having the experiences that I've had.

I hate my inability to relate to my peers sometimes. I feel like I am lightyears away from them. I am still dealing in real life with feelings of social anxiety and in both my real and online lives my feelings of ongoing solitude even while in a crowd. It's a funny conundrum. The people who seek complete attention all the time irk me, at the same time when I feel vulnerable and share a piece of myself I fell angry if no one gives me that same attention. The problem is always the same, I don't connect enough. I have been rejected by the people in my life, including myself so often that I am afraid of opening up to people, and always keep myself just slightly removed from the group. At the same time the last time I became part of "the group" it felt like they did nothing but tear down other people, and that's not how I want to get my self esteem. Making other people hurt like I have hurt is not helpful.

I don't walk outside because in my head I still hear every taunt about my weight that I have ever heard. It haunts me and still continues to frighten me sometimes. I hate the weaknesses in myself. I hate this lack of control I feel. I hate that I have been so overtly negative lately.