Saturday, May 15, 2010
Moving!
I know I just did a post on moving, but this move was a little bit easier. I've moved over to wordpress. If you stumble over this come on over!
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Alone
I wonder sometimes if I am going to be alone forever. I go through the motions - dating sites etc. But it seems like the only people I connect to are people that anything serious and lasting with would be an impossibility. Its very self defeating and in the long run leaves me feeling even lonelier.
I want a life and a family and as I get older I wonder to that is ever going to happen for me. More than that I miss having a physical connection with someone. Something beyond the sexual (although that would be nice since its been a few years now). I miss the simplest of touches, caresses, hugs, holding hands. Physical reassurance that no matter what kind of day its been or what is going on in life that I am cared for and loved.
Sometimes I can get by. Other times its much harder. Lately its been painful, particularly as I continue with the changes in my eating habits. It would be nice to have someone here to share that all with and to help me, but through the dating sites I could reach out to people, but my insecurities still have the best of me. I still live in fear of what people think of me and of my weight. Thinking that they won't love me because of what the shell looks like. Being frustrated because I likely will be judged so much more on the outside than the inside and knowing the hypocricy of that hurt because I am guilty of the same. Its human nature to an extent I understand, and I try not to judge on weight or too many extraneous factors. Looking at my failings in previous relationships and how I feel sometimes I wonder if I am just incapable of having a true loving, giving, mutual relationship.
Maybe I can only do that living inside my head where I can fantasize and idealize - or maybe living inside my head has been too much of an escape for too long (something I have done for as long as I can remember but I have found it to be different in recent years). I know that probably sounds crazy, but sometimes to be completely frank I feel like I am my only friend. Or at least the only person who gets me. While it was borne from coping with issues in my often solitary and troubled childhood it is something that has followed me - sometimes with disastrous results while I was in the lowest parts of my life.
Overall I am not depressed the way I used to be. I get down now and then, but now its more longing for a life that feels impossible to me. I am afraid that I have become so frightened and scarred by my experiences that I can't give myself freely anymore - that the fear of the pain associated with a relationship has rendered me incapable.
I don't want to be alone anymore but I don't know how not to be alone.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Fat and Dating
Yep I said the F word. My mom hates when I refer to myself as fat. I can be heavy, plus sized, above average size, curvy... any descriptive of fat, but I can't be fat. I have been working on that lately. I have been doing it for ME. I have curbed most of my cravings, although I did go a little crazy on the cool whip lite tonight. I am consistently under my calories and for the first time in my life I am consistently active. Walking at least a mile at least 3-4 times a week. Its been good. I feel good. I'm taking time and eating better. These are all good changes, but its brought up some interesting conversation.
One of which was a conversation I had recently with my aunt about losing weight to find a man. First of all that's not why I am losing weight, I don't want to die. Second of all why do I want the man who doesn't want me for who I am when I am fat? On the other hand, I've found the men who like fat girls are generally looking for someone to dominate (not in a good fun way). That's what I found with the airforce guy a few months ago, at least in my opinion. I was beneath him (no not literally) so I wasn't supposed to say no.
For some ungodly reason, maybe years of being fat and bad relationships I have gotten a little bit of self respect. I know what I have been through and I know what I will not put up with again.
It also gave me some insight into my aunt and uncle's marriage. Mind you my uncle is my blood relative so I can say this knowing how much it reflects on me and my family and knowing that it sounds like I'm choosing non-blood over blood. Also, insight onto the badness of fat in the eyes of my family.
My uncle is an asshole. He's cheated and lied more of their marriage than any of us except for him really know. They were divorced for years, years that my aunt has put a great deal of weight on from the 118 she was when they started dating that started with my uncle telling her that if she lost like 30 lbs he'd go out with her. And she lost slightly more. They married because she got pregnant. He cheated on her throughout, they divorced, he moved back in the house, combated drinking and each other. They are as odd of a couple as you will find. On one hand I think there has to be a great underlying love there, the romantic side of me really wants to think that. On the other hand it makes me wonder if she is so down on herself for all the yo-yoing her weight has done over the years, and the significant increase in the last couple and my uncle's incessant need to point it out in less than delicate ways that she thinks she can't do better, so she continues to put up with his stupid shit.
However much I want to have a life, a marriage (not just a wedding, and not a disposable marriage), and a family of my own I don't want to be caught up in someone else's bullshit. I don't want to be devalued as a person to make someone else feel better about their shortcomings. I know no one is perfect, and I can already point out way more of my flaws and imperfections more than anyone else in the world. I don't need to be made to feel worse about it. I will not put up with the bullshit, the drug use, the threatened violence, and the actual violence that has been in my past. If you can't love my ass while its fat, you don't deserve to love it when and if it gets skinny.
One of which was a conversation I had recently with my aunt about losing weight to find a man. First of all that's not why I am losing weight, I don't want to die. Second of all why do I want the man who doesn't want me for who I am when I am fat? On the other hand, I've found the men who like fat girls are generally looking for someone to dominate (not in a good fun way). That's what I found with the airforce guy a few months ago, at least in my opinion. I was beneath him (no not literally) so I wasn't supposed to say no.
For some ungodly reason, maybe years of being fat and bad relationships I have gotten a little bit of self respect. I know what I have been through and I know what I will not put up with again.
It also gave me some insight into my aunt and uncle's marriage. Mind you my uncle is my blood relative so I can say this knowing how much it reflects on me and my family and knowing that it sounds like I'm choosing non-blood over blood. Also, insight onto the badness of fat in the eyes of my family.
My uncle is an asshole. He's cheated and lied more of their marriage than any of us except for him really know. They were divorced for years, years that my aunt has put a great deal of weight on from the 118 she was when they started dating that started with my uncle telling her that if she lost like 30 lbs he'd go out with her. And she lost slightly more. They married because she got pregnant. He cheated on her throughout, they divorced, he moved back in the house, combated drinking and each other. They are as odd of a couple as you will find. On one hand I think there has to be a great underlying love there, the romantic side of me really wants to think that. On the other hand it makes me wonder if she is so down on herself for all the yo-yoing her weight has done over the years, and the significant increase in the last couple and my uncle's incessant need to point it out in less than delicate ways that she thinks she can't do better, so she continues to put up with his stupid shit.
However much I want to have a life, a marriage (not just a wedding, and not a disposable marriage), and a family of my own I don't want to be caught up in someone else's bullshit. I don't want to be devalued as a person to make someone else feel better about their shortcomings. I know no one is perfect, and I can already point out way more of my flaws and imperfections more than anyone else in the world. I don't need to be made to feel worse about it. I will not put up with the bullshit, the drug use, the threatened violence, and the actual violence that has been in my past. If you can't love my ass while its fat, you don't deserve to love it when and if it gets skinny.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
A Review of my previous apartment as left on apartmentratings.com
I wanted to wait a little while before I reviewed this monstrosity, but today's events have made me decide otherwise.
During the course of my living there my car was broken into once, something the management never responded to. I did not expect compensation, but after I contacted police I contacted them (via email) to ask if I they needed any information on the event. They never responded. The "security" gates were broken more than they worked, from when I first moved in my windows may have been open when it rained they leaked so badly, they fixed a leak, but never resealed or even painted over the subsequent water stains. During the two winters I was there there were potholes near one of the back gates so significant its a wonder no one got flats out there.
I have never had cockroaches in any place that I've lived, and yet in this apartment I'd had several that came in from the inadequately sealed windows.
The complex is serviced by a useless company called direcpath for its internet needs and as a subcontract for Directv service, which I was told was the only cable/internet I was allowed to have. The equipment for this was in the club house. They neglected to pay the electric bill on the clubhouse which resulted in me losing internet for a week, which had a direct impact on my employment.
I asked for MONTHS for a key to the exercise room, and was refused because they were changing the lock on the door. Finally I gave up. So essentially I paid for amenities that I never got to use.
My water bill was around $11. when I moved in, while I can appreciate inflation, my consumption which has not changed went from $11-$12 to anywhere from $16-18.
The complex itself is falling apart, and yet they chose not to fix the things that were broken, but to renovate the "clubhouse" which was now available for party rentals. This would be the same clubhouse they failed to pay electrical on, and that housed the workout room I was refused a key to.
I had neighbors above me throughout my tenancy one were people that were so loud that they shook my light fixtures when they walked. Another notable tenant were the group that smoked outside in the breezeway and let their debris and butts drop to the floor below, often on my doorstep. The complex issued letters about the littering, but never followed up.
The dumpsters were turned off for the weekends, very often early in the day on Friday so trash and debris built up outside the dumpster throughout the weekend.
The management has changed at least three times that I've noticed, although I tried to stay away from the office as much as possible.
When I went to put my 60 day notice (January 20th roughly)the office staff left me standing unattended for several minutes because they were busy talking. Finally when I was acknowledged I signed a paper stating I wanted to vacate April 1. Several days later I received an improperly addressed letter in the postal mail acknowledging my notice with a list of repairs I would be responsible for, including rug shampooing and painting. Any place I'd lived these were considered routine maintenance upon tenant departure.
I moved into my new residence and went back to my apartment to clean on March 30. On my door was a notice that they had not received my notice of vacation and rates for lease renewal. I returned my keys that afternoon, leaving the apartment cleaned far better than when I moved in. When I went to the office I was greeted to the office being redecorated (they couldn't fix potholes but they can put in hardwood floors?) a new manager who was on the phone and playing with birthday cards too much to really pay attention to me giving her my keys and forwarding address, but against my better judgment I handed these over to her along with my forwarding address. She half explained away the letter they left about not receiving my notice as a failure on the part of the previous management. Talking to her let me know I left just in time.
Today (April 14) I received a call that they'd left an eviction notice on my door and since I failed to respond they would proceed with the eviction. I told her about turning in my keys and leaving my forwarding address with the woman in the managers office. I was told she would look into it. I will be following up.
My advice, run.
During the course of my living there my car was broken into once, something the management never responded to. I did not expect compensation, but after I contacted police I contacted them (via email) to ask if I they needed any information on the event. They never responded. The "security" gates were broken more than they worked, from when I first moved in my windows may have been open when it rained they leaked so badly, they fixed a leak, but never resealed or even painted over the subsequent water stains. During the two winters I was there there were potholes near one of the back gates so significant its a wonder no one got flats out there.
I have never had cockroaches in any place that I've lived, and yet in this apartment I'd had several that came in from the inadequately sealed windows.
The complex is serviced by a useless company called direcpath for its internet needs and as a subcontract for Directv service, which I was told was the only cable/internet I was allowed to have. The equipment for this was in the club house. They neglected to pay the electric bill on the clubhouse which resulted in me losing internet for a week, which had a direct impact on my employment.
I asked for MONTHS for a key to the exercise room, and was refused because they were changing the lock on the door. Finally I gave up. So essentially I paid for amenities that I never got to use.
My water bill was around $11. when I moved in, while I can appreciate inflation, my consumption which has not changed went from $11-$12 to anywhere from $16-18.
The complex itself is falling apart, and yet they chose not to fix the things that were broken, but to renovate the "clubhouse" which was now available for party rentals. This would be the same clubhouse they failed to pay electrical on, and that housed the workout room I was refused a key to.
I had neighbors above me throughout my tenancy one were people that were so loud that they shook my light fixtures when they walked. Another notable tenant were the group that smoked outside in the breezeway and let their debris and butts drop to the floor below, often on my doorstep. The complex issued letters about the littering, but never followed up.
The dumpsters were turned off for the weekends, very often early in the day on Friday so trash and debris built up outside the dumpster throughout the weekend.
The management has changed at least three times that I've noticed, although I tried to stay away from the office as much as possible.
When I went to put my 60 day notice (January 20th roughly)the office staff left me standing unattended for several minutes because they were busy talking. Finally when I was acknowledged I signed a paper stating I wanted to vacate April 1. Several days later I received an improperly addressed letter in the postal mail acknowledging my notice with a list of repairs I would be responsible for, including rug shampooing and painting. Any place I'd lived these were considered routine maintenance upon tenant departure.
I moved into my new residence and went back to my apartment to clean on March 30. On my door was a notice that they had not received my notice of vacation and rates for lease renewal. I returned my keys that afternoon, leaving the apartment cleaned far better than when I moved in. When I went to the office I was greeted to the office being redecorated (they couldn't fix potholes but they can put in hardwood floors?) a new manager who was on the phone and playing with birthday cards too much to really pay attention to me giving her my keys and forwarding address, but against my better judgment I handed these over to her along with my forwarding address. She half explained away the letter they left about not receiving my notice as a failure on the part of the previous management. Talking to her let me know I left just in time.
Today (April 14) I received a call that they'd left an eviction notice on my door and since I failed to respond they would proceed with the eviction. I told her about turning in my keys and leaving my forwarding address with the woman in the managers office. I was told she would look into it. I will be following up.
My advice, run.
Friday, April 9, 2010
The Great Outdoors
I am sitting outside on the patio of my new apartment with the laptop :) Other than the terribly uncomfy chair I am in (made moreso by the weight I am carrying) its a beautiful day and I couldn't stand to stay inside. I have been using that sparkpeople app for the blackberry to help keep track of/control my eating. Keeping myself accountable the minute I put something in my mouth. Currently I am most amused by the bees that are lingering/hovering just outside the range of my patio, confused I think to see someone sitting out here.
Despite my boss' generosity in giving/lending (not sure) me these chairs, I think eventually I am going to buy something a little more permanent. The only problem would be if I move eventually where will they go. I am tempted to go out today and shop a bit on one hand. On the other hand I am so tired its all I can do to keep my eyes open, and on the bees.
But its a beautiful day, and in more amazingly good news, the icecream man came by and he's got normal icecream man music as opposed to that chimey annoying crap the one who came in the other place has.
Also, I am being stalked by a bee. It keeps hovering outside the perimeter of my patio.
I hear people outside, but because of the position of my apartment I can't really see anyone. I could in theory change my clothes and go for a walk too, around the complex, or up the road there is a wj freeman (or something like that) park. I could even take my camera and take pictures.
I kind of want to just stay home today, mainly because I have been on the road all week. My aunt's computer was broken so with a friend's help I was able to repair it. I think the running back and forth is part of what kind of did me in as far as being tired. It has nothing at all to do with me staying up too late and waking up early lol.
Despite my boss' generosity in giving/lending (not sure) me these chairs, I think eventually I am going to buy something a little more permanent. The only problem would be if I move eventually where will they go. I am tempted to go out today and shop a bit on one hand. On the other hand I am so tired its all I can do to keep my eyes open, and on the bees.
But its a beautiful day, and in more amazingly good news, the icecream man came by and he's got normal icecream man music as opposed to that chimey annoying crap the one who came in the other place has.
Also, I am being stalked by a bee. It keeps hovering outside the perimeter of my patio.
I hear people outside, but because of the position of my apartment I can't really see anyone. I could in theory change my clothes and go for a walk too, around the complex, or up the road there is a wj freeman (or something like that) park. I could even take my camera and take pictures.
I kind of want to just stay home today, mainly because I have been on the road all week. My aunt's computer was broken so with a friend's help I was able to repair it. I think the running back and forth is part of what kind of did me in as far as being tired. It has nothing at all to do with me staying up too late and waking up early lol.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
More Dreaming
Last night was extremely non restful sleep. I'm assuming part of it was still being kind of stressed from the storm I drove through which was scary as hell. I hate when I can't see the road under me! And when its raining so hard that Memphis drivers stop dead still in the middle of the road you know its bad.
I dreamed that I was leaving my aunts and had to meet my boss to pick something up, I think for her. I got into a wreck and killed someone on my way back home from meeting him, and all anyone kept saying was if I hadn't gone to meet him, if I had left a little later, if I hadn't been in that place at that time none of that would have happened.
I know its not true, that accident didn't happen, I am a safe driver, and when it got to storming that bad I pulled off the road until I felt safe enough to slowly drive home, but its one of those dreams that just sticks with you.
I dreamed that I was leaving my aunts and had to meet my boss to pick something up, I think for her. I got into a wreck and killed someone on my way back home from meeting him, and all anyone kept saying was if I hadn't gone to meet him, if I had left a little later, if I hadn't been in that place at that time none of that would have happened.
I know its not true, that accident didn't happen, I am a safe driver, and when it got to storming that bad I pulled off the road until I felt safe enough to slowly drive home, but its one of those dreams that just sticks with you.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
You'd be so pretty if...
The five words I hate most in the world? Quite possibly! I had a bad morning today. A really bad morning. A morning that made me want to punch the mirror, and cry. Two things I haven't done while getting dressed/putting on makeup in a long time. I already talked a little about the search for clothes, my weight issues in my 4 or 5 line mobile post.
I need control over my food, and I think I found a tool that can help me, but I have to put the work into it.
Those five words though haunt me. I've heard them my whole life, from my family. The people who are supposed to love and support you unconditionally. Today I got a variation from my aunt. You could have any man you wanted...
The end of the sentence is always the same, if you just lost weight. If you weren't such a fucking fatass is what I hear every time. "No one is going to look at how beautiful you are if you're fat." I know these things are true. I live them every day. Most people don't want the personality, they want the bikini model. That is something I will never be.
It sucks and its hurtful and mean. It makes me feel like shit. And when I am feeling this low and out of control, I eat. And I get fatter and apparently uglier. Some days, and no not to the point of depression that I've had in the past, and not to the point of self mutilation I've been to in the past, but I have to wonder why I bother.
I hate looking in the mirror, and what's funnier, I feel on one hand that my aunt, who tells me I need a man, and I would have one if... sabotages me. She tries to force food on me every time I go there, but she sabotages herself too. She only makes fried and/or fattening foods. She doesn't try for lighter options, partially because her husband, my uncle wouldn't know what to do about it, but also because she finds her comfort in food as much as I do.
I don't know if its more insulting or less insulting that someone who also has food and weight problems is telling me I'd be so pretty ifs... On one hand they can relate to them, on the other they know how bad they hurt.
I need to get to sleep. Early work day. Right now I'm just hoping I have a better day tomorrow. I worry sometimes that I will start that bad slide. It scares me. I've been through it so many times before, and sometimes I feel like I don't have anyone really to talk about it with who understands, but I know I have support, and people I can count on. I have a lot of people in my life, online and off that I never had before. I've got a boss that I didn't think existed. An extended family in the MFD that I can't imagine not having now.
Despite all of the pre-existing negative feelings, the hell I went through working at Baptist, and now this most recent bout of issues moving to Memphis was bar none the best thing I did for my life. I guess I can't fix all the 30 years of fuckup in 5 1/2 although it would be nice.
I need control over my food, and I think I found a tool that can help me, but I have to put the work into it.
Those five words though haunt me. I've heard them my whole life, from my family. The people who are supposed to love and support you unconditionally. Today I got a variation from my aunt. You could have any man you wanted...
The end of the sentence is always the same, if you just lost weight. If you weren't such a fucking fatass is what I hear every time. "No one is going to look at how beautiful you are if you're fat." I know these things are true. I live them every day. Most people don't want the personality, they want the bikini model. That is something I will never be.
It sucks and its hurtful and mean. It makes me feel like shit. And when I am feeling this low and out of control, I eat. And I get fatter and apparently uglier. Some days, and no not to the point of depression that I've had in the past, and not to the point of self mutilation I've been to in the past, but I have to wonder why I bother.
I hate looking in the mirror, and what's funnier, I feel on one hand that my aunt, who tells me I need a man, and I would have one if... sabotages me. She tries to force food on me every time I go there, but she sabotages herself too. She only makes fried and/or fattening foods. She doesn't try for lighter options, partially because her husband, my uncle wouldn't know what to do about it, but also because she finds her comfort in food as much as I do.
I don't know if its more insulting or less insulting that someone who also has food and weight problems is telling me I'd be so pretty ifs... On one hand they can relate to them, on the other they know how bad they hurt.
I need to get to sleep. Early work day. Right now I'm just hoping I have a better day tomorrow. I worry sometimes that I will start that bad slide. It scares me. I've been through it so many times before, and sometimes I feel like I don't have anyone really to talk about it with who understands, but I know I have support, and people I can count on. I have a lot of people in my life, online and off that I never had before. I've got a boss that I didn't think existed. An extended family in the MFD that I can't imagine not having now.
Despite all of the pre-existing negative feelings, the hell I went through working at Baptist, and now this most recent bout of issues moving to Memphis was bar none the best thing I did for my life. I guess I can't fix all the 30 years of fuckup in 5 1/2 although it would be nice.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Tumult
Yeah, I had no idea what to call this, and that seemed as appropriate as anything. This has been a busy couple of weeks! The big move, loving the new place now that I'm settled in. I am finding that even if its just running errands I am more likely to go out and do them no matter what time now that I don't have to contend with stairs.
I haven't heard anything about what I owe from the previous apartment. There is a new apartment manager in that office, and by initial impression she seems even more useless than the last. Hopefully that means I won't have to pay anything because they'll have lost all my records. She said the previous management didn't keep records of anything. I couldn't have moved out of there soon enough.
On top of moving and working I wrote a treasure hunt for my aunt's easter party. It was a lot of work! She thanked me repeatedly and the kids all had a good time. My aunt failed me on prizes. I also found some other games/puzzles for the kids that never got played. Oh well. After the party was over I refilled a few dozen eggs for frankie's kids to come hunt the next day. 11 and nearly 13 I think they're getting too old, but that's just me. As par for the course, my aunt never has the holiday on the holiday so the big treasure hunt party (she had a party bounce and hundreds of easter eggs for the little kids) so this was Saturday.
Church on Sunday seemed like it was going to be a pretty big family affair so I got up early, got dressed, and headed to First Baptist Collierville. I have disliked that church for a long time. I have problems with the way they handle things, but never so many as I did this visit. First off, my aunt told me to call her up until 10:30 and she'd tell me where to meet them. I called at 10:20, the phone rang like half a ring and cut off. She swears she didn't do that. I went in to the new church and was amazed. Its huge, with stadium seating and everything is brown and beige. Very boring. FOUR screens to catch the service on if seeing brother chuck the snake oil salesman/used car salesman for god in front of you isn't enough. It wasn't enough to disagree with non christians... everyone who is a non christian is STUPID. Those were his words. What the fuck? If that's who's going to heaven, I'll be fine in hell kthx. There is so much more to this, but needless to say I was disgusted by the time I left church, only to get to my aunt's for dinner for her to RAVE about the service!
I haven't heard anything about what I owe from the previous apartment. There is a new apartment manager in that office, and by initial impression she seems even more useless than the last. Hopefully that means I won't have to pay anything because they'll have lost all my records. She said the previous management didn't keep records of anything. I couldn't have moved out of there soon enough.
On top of moving and working I wrote a treasure hunt for my aunt's easter party. It was a lot of work! She thanked me repeatedly and the kids all had a good time. My aunt failed me on prizes. I also found some other games/puzzles for the kids that never got played. Oh well. After the party was over I refilled a few dozen eggs for frankie's kids to come hunt the next day. 11 and nearly 13 I think they're getting too old, but that's just me. As par for the course, my aunt never has the holiday on the holiday so the big treasure hunt party (she had a party bounce and hundreds of easter eggs for the little kids) so this was Saturday.
Church on Sunday seemed like it was going to be a pretty big family affair so I got up early, got dressed, and headed to First Baptist Collierville. I have disliked that church for a long time. I have problems with the way they handle things, but never so many as I did this visit. First off, my aunt told me to call her up until 10:30 and she'd tell me where to meet them. I called at 10:20, the phone rang like half a ring and cut off. She swears she didn't do that. I went in to the new church and was amazed. Its huge, with stadium seating and everything is brown and beige. Very boring. FOUR screens to catch the service on if seeing brother chuck the snake oil salesman/used car salesman for god in front of you isn't enough. It wasn't enough to disagree with non christians... everyone who is a non christian is STUPID. Those were his words. What the fuck? If that's who's going to heaven, I'll be fine in hell kthx. There is so much more to this, but needless to say I was disgusted by the time I left church, only to get to my aunt's for dinner for her to RAVE about the service!
Thursday, April 1, 2010
My first mobile post
I have got to lose some of this weight. Getting dressed is a miserable experience. Shopping is a nightmare. It has taken a serious toll on my self esteem which for me is a trigger for all my negative feelings and for my detrimental eating habits.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Dreaming
As a child I had violent terrifying dreams. During times of stress I'd dream about the time I almost drowned. At least I think that's what the dream was based on. That is that was the dream I had until I had my car accident. (The big one) Now when I'm stressed a few things happen. I think/dream about car accidents. The waking thoughts are far more disturbing than the dreams because the dreams are fleeting. The other thing that happens is I have weird vivid dreams. Not necessarily the nightmares/terrors of childhood, but just weird dreams. I have been having them the last four days now. None of which make sense. The dreams always occur at the same time, at that well I had explained it previously as twilight between sleeping and waking, but I guess that would be more like dawn.
Friday night/Saturday Morning: I was called upon to visit a house to help the woman with one of her children. Specifically a seven year old boy that really just needed help and support. (How I was qualified for this I don't know) I entered the house and to my surprise the parent of the child was Madonna. In her home was her older son, a drunken frat boy who's idea of fun was making piles of empty liquor bottles on the young boy's possessions and making fun of him, and a 3 year old girl who at the exact moment was playing in what I thought was her mother's makeup, writing on the walls and people and anything else. I was in the midst of meeting the 7 year old boy being explained how he'd been advised to write in a journal about his emotions. He showed me the journal he was given - from the girl scouts (weird!) which was explained that it was the only one they'd had at the time and the older brother promptly tried to stack bottles on it. I broke away briefly to get the youngest child to stop putting the makeup on everything and to put it on herself, and well. I then found out the makeup was hers. Realizing I was doing what everyone else does, I returned to my focus, the young boy and took him to starbucks where we could talk without distraction. We spoke for hours, upon which his mother, Madonna, brought us Starbucks into Starbucks from a different location. I looked up to see my step grandmother and her other son (not my stepdad) staring at us from the table behind us, looking stock still like a creepy cardboard cut out. However the weirdness of this registered but my mind was more blown over the starbucks in the starbucks from a different starbucks (which sounds like a bad yo dawg)
Saturday Night/Sunday Morning: Not to be topped by the night before, I was with a group of people in a nigh indestructible car designed by mm (a person in the chat that I frequent online - the people I was traveling with may also have been chat people, but I don't remember who they are now) We were rescuing a young girl that had been kidnapped. This was not the first recent kidnapping, but this was the only girl that we knew of that was still in captivity. They stayed in the car keeping it as a getaway as I went into the large building. I found the room where the girl was captive, her legs had been cut, a knife or some other large blade stuck through the vent slats on the door to preclude the girls from trying to escape. Unconscious on the floor was George Washington! (An actual George Washington person, not a mask) It was unclear if he was the true kidnapper or a henchman, but I think it was believed he was a henchman. I carried the girl, who I believe was blonde, but her face was obscured the entire time out to the car, which was then blocked in by a van. From behind the van stepped the kidnappers henchwoman, my sister, who said she helped orchestrate all of this because she knew I would come to rescue the girl. I put the girl in the car and instructed them to get her out of there. They were reluctant to live without me, but backing out half destroying the vehicle that blocked them, they left me with my sister, where I woke up trying to convince her to leave her life of crime behind and she cursed me for not spending more time with her, but going to rescue strangers.
Sunday Night/Monday Morning: I had been talking to my biological father on the phone, he decided we should meet in Greece. The next thing I know I am on a plane to Greece, which is less set up like a plane and more like a series of overstuffed blue velour loveseats set in a u around an area. Before we were permitted to leave the plane the pilot had to take all of our money. I managed to obscure most of my money (two or three $100 bills) only giving him $16 or so dollars. Upon leaving the plane I went into an airport that looked like our airports here, the same news stands and shops, etc. I slipped out a door that I thought would lead to the outside because I needed to get outside to call my dad and to send an email for work. The door exited directly into racks of clothing that I had to push through, and was in a mall type store. Finally I found an area of toys that had benches that I could sit down at. I took out a laptop to send the email and call my dad. I wound up talking to a group of children that had been left there about toys, and about them being left there to wait. I can't remember if I sent the email or not, but I remember getting outside into the sun and being crushed when I finally got in touch with my father (my american phone working overseas) and he told me he meant we'd meet there "some day" and he wouldn't be meeting me now. I remember being crushed knowing that I had to go back home. (I never actually got to see any of Greece)
Monday Night/Tuesday Morning: Last night's weirdness was twofold. I woke up this morning trying to figure out the first dream and must have dozed back off. Part one: I was part of a group of human aliens had to collect clock parts. When we had all the clock parts we would be transported home. I remember talking to a group of my people, my mentor being one of them who was an older man laying on the grass half on and half off a blanket, all of it being lush green grass. Seeing people destroying the planet, that to my alieness looked so perfect and beautiful, I kept asking why people would want to destroy this plant, why people would want to leave because everything was so green and beautiful. The clock itself had a dial that would spin around as it clicked by and at every hour there was a piece that slid into a hollow. We had the three, but other pieces had already been filled in. I woke up pondering putting the piece in and kind of wanting to go outside, although we are not quite that green yet! I assume during this I dozed back off where the second part of my dream which was relatively unrelated happened. I was watching what was supposed to be some wrestling show between Kane and Vince McMahon (Kane was one of ours and was trying to leave to get back to the planet) and wound up being this huge half circus themed choreographed dance number that while I started watching from the wings, wound up watching from an overhead position. Apparently according to the dance, Vince had the flu and was trying to spread that to Kane to stop him from going back to the home planet.
Needless to say all week long I've woken up going what the fuck. Last night's/this morning's dream was the least ominous I think, was the only one not related to family, but interestingly did deal with moving times. I assume that's what's on my mind... especially since I thought the cable guy was coming out to set up the cable in the new place today, but he's not its tomorrow.
Can't wait to see what tonight brings!
Friday night/Saturday Morning: I was called upon to visit a house to help the woman with one of her children. Specifically a seven year old boy that really just needed help and support. (How I was qualified for this I don't know) I entered the house and to my surprise the parent of the child was Madonna. In her home was her older son, a drunken frat boy who's idea of fun was making piles of empty liquor bottles on the young boy's possessions and making fun of him, and a 3 year old girl who at the exact moment was playing in what I thought was her mother's makeup, writing on the walls and people and anything else. I was in the midst of meeting the 7 year old boy being explained how he'd been advised to write in a journal about his emotions. He showed me the journal he was given - from the girl scouts (weird!) which was explained that it was the only one they'd had at the time and the older brother promptly tried to stack bottles on it. I broke away briefly to get the youngest child to stop putting the makeup on everything and to put it on herself, and well. I then found out the makeup was hers. Realizing I was doing what everyone else does, I returned to my focus, the young boy and took him to starbucks where we could talk without distraction. We spoke for hours, upon which his mother, Madonna, brought us Starbucks into Starbucks from a different location. I looked up to see my step grandmother and her other son (not my stepdad) staring at us from the table behind us, looking stock still like a creepy cardboard cut out. However the weirdness of this registered but my mind was more blown over the starbucks in the starbucks from a different starbucks (which sounds like a bad yo dawg)
Saturday Night/Sunday Morning: Not to be topped by the night before, I was with a group of people in a nigh indestructible car designed by mm (a person in the chat that I frequent online - the people I was traveling with may also have been chat people, but I don't remember who they are now) We were rescuing a young girl that had been kidnapped. This was not the first recent kidnapping, but this was the only girl that we knew of that was still in captivity. They stayed in the car keeping it as a getaway as I went into the large building. I found the room where the girl was captive, her legs had been cut, a knife or some other large blade stuck through the vent slats on the door to preclude the girls from trying to escape. Unconscious on the floor was George Washington! (An actual George Washington person, not a mask) It was unclear if he was the true kidnapper or a henchman, but I think it was believed he was a henchman. I carried the girl, who I believe was blonde, but her face was obscured the entire time out to the car, which was then blocked in by a van. From behind the van stepped the kidnappers henchwoman, my sister, who said she helped orchestrate all of this because she knew I would come to rescue the girl. I put the girl in the car and instructed them to get her out of there. They were reluctant to live without me, but backing out half destroying the vehicle that blocked them, they left me with my sister, where I woke up trying to convince her to leave her life of crime behind and she cursed me for not spending more time with her, but going to rescue strangers.
Sunday Night/Monday Morning: I had been talking to my biological father on the phone, he decided we should meet in Greece. The next thing I know I am on a plane to Greece, which is less set up like a plane and more like a series of overstuffed blue velour loveseats set in a u around an area. Before we were permitted to leave the plane the pilot had to take all of our money. I managed to obscure most of my money (two or three $100 bills) only giving him $16 or so dollars. Upon leaving the plane I went into an airport that looked like our airports here, the same news stands and shops, etc. I slipped out a door that I thought would lead to the outside because I needed to get outside to call my dad and to send an email for work. The door exited directly into racks of clothing that I had to push through, and was in a mall type store. Finally I found an area of toys that had benches that I could sit down at. I took out a laptop to send the email and call my dad. I wound up talking to a group of children that had been left there about toys, and about them being left there to wait. I can't remember if I sent the email or not, but I remember getting outside into the sun and being crushed when I finally got in touch with my father (my american phone working overseas) and he told me he meant we'd meet there "some day" and he wouldn't be meeting me now. I remember being crushed knowing that I had to go back home. (I never actually got to see any of Greece)
Monday Night/Tuesday Morning: Last night's weirdness was twofold. I woke up this morning trying to figure out the first dream and must have dozed back off. Part one: I was part of a group of human aliens had to collect clock parts. When we had all the clock parts we would be transported home. I remember talking to a group of my people, my mentor being one of them who was an older man laying on the grass half on and half off a blanket, all of it being lush green grass. Seeing people destroying the planet, that to my alieness looked so perfect and beautiful, I kept asking why people would want to destroy this plant, why people would want to leave because everything was so green and beautiful. The clock itself had a dial that would spin around as it clicked by and at every hour there was a piece that slid into a hollow. We had the three, but other pieces had already been filled in. I woke up pondering putting the piece in and kind of wanting to go outside, although we are not quite that green yet! I assume during this I dozed back off where the second part of my dream which was relatively unrelated happened. I was watching what was supposed to be some wrestling show between Kane and Vince McMahon (Kane was one of ours and was trying to leave to get back to the planet) and wound up being this huge half circus themed choreographed dance number that while I started watching from the wings, wound up watching from an overhead position. Apparently according to the dance, Vince had the flu and was trying to spread that to Kane to stop him from going back to the home planet.
Needless to say all week long I've woken up going what the fuck. Last night's/this morning's dream was the least ominous I think, was the only one not related to family, but interestingly did deal with moving times. I assume that's what's on my mind... especially since I thought the cable guy was coming out to set up the cable in the new place today, but he's not its tomorrow.
Can't wait to see what tonight brings!
Friday, March 19, 2010
Moving is stressful
And everyone who has ever moved ever is now saying... no shit tell me something I don't know! But the fact still remains I hate moving, and this move seems to be going much less smoothly than the last, or the first one. Or the time that I loaded my car with my belongings and drove from New York to Memphis in an effort to change my life.
I look around my apartment and I know in my head I already have a bunch of stuff in the new place, but it feels like I don't have anything done. I still have tons of stuff unpacked, or lined up waiting to go to the new place. I still need to do something with the furniture, exercise bike, make sure the utilities are fixed/cancelled. Pay the bills, which should be the last bills here, but this last debacle with bank of america really has me up a creek.
It shouldn't take too long to be able to save money again. I hope. After all rent is $121 cheaper a month! Even the market rate is cheaper than here, and the neighborhood isn't that much further down.
I've been so tied up with the move and with all the other crap in my head I feel like I've been neglecting work lately. I've been slow and sluggish on doing things, and I'm just kind of at a loss. I say on one hand I need a vacation, but I get so much time off its ridiculous. But its the balance of time, and the fact that my time management sucks. A lot.
I keep using the move as my latest benchmark for things too. I'll exercise more after the move, I'll get the time and such together after the move, I'll fix everything that's wrong after the move. Unfortunately that's not going to help me if my boss gets frustrated with me.
I don't think that will happen, but you never know. If working for Baptist taught me anything its not to get complacent in any job. I know there's way too much time that he DOESN'T need me. I know I'm kind of not always there when he does. I mean physically I'm almost always there. (No, not in a sex way. I could never think of him that way).
I don't know... all of this moving and packing has woken up a lot of things in me. Its made me very anxious and pensive, raised a lot of my unresolved childhood issues as well. Anger over things so out of my control and so ridiculous I then feel stupid for being angry about them, or crying about them. When all the stress and anxiety get to be too much I tend to cry a lot more.
I'm in a place right now where I feel like I'm losing my grip on things. Not to the past points of self destruction by any means, but just losing that tenuous grip a little bit. The situation with the guy a few weeks ago didn't help any either. I guess I should/could talk about that. And when I feel like this the "They're all going to laugh at you" voice is loud in my head again.
And lately the "Inside Out" has felt stronger than ever, because I kind of feel like I'm wearing all of my insides outside. I went through so many years of feeling like this, I hate feeling it again now. And yet, I am the one who gets frustrated with my living arrangements and slightly nomadic every few years.
I would love to just settle down into a normal life, but I've been so alone for so long now I don't know that I would know how. I don't know that I know how to make those compromises, particularly in a healthy relationship, or at least healthier than I've had before... which doesn't say too much when you look at the overall scope of things.
I am rambling tonight it seems like. I really started this just to talk about my moving anxiety and I seem to be talking a little bit about everything. I guess that's a good thing. I am getting use out of this at least. Making up for lost time maybe? And who knows how long my dedication to this will last.
In any case, I should go for now. Its late and I need to sleep. I need to get some real work done tomorrow, if for no other reason than so I feel good about myself and what I am getting done, although I'm pretty sure my boss would appreciate me doing my JOB.
I wish I could get over this knot in my stomach that I've had for the last several days. I wish I felt like I was on track, but I'm not. I wish there was a way I could counsel myself the way I like to and try to counsel everyone else. With the same view, the same objectiveness, the same perspective instead of feeling like I'm drowning all the time.
I look around my apartment and I know in my head I already have a bunch of stuff in the new place, but it feels like I don't have anything done. I still have tons of stuff unpacked, or lined up waiting to go to the new place. I still need to do something with the furniture, exercise bike, make sure the utilities are fixed/cancelled. Pay the bills, which should be the last bills here, but this last debacle with bank of america really has me up a creek.
It shouldn't take too long to be able to save money again. I hope. After all rent is $121 cheaper a month! Even the market rate is cheaper than here, and the neighborhood isn't that much further down.
I've been so tied up with the move and with all the other crap in my head I feel like I've been neglecting work lately. I've been slow and sluggish on doing things, and I'm just kind of at a loss. I say on one hand I need a vacation, but I get so much time off its ridiculous. But its the balance of time, and the fact that my time management sucks. A lot.
I keep using the move as my latest benchmark for things too. I'll exercise more after the move, I'll get the time and such together after the move, I'll fix everything that's wrong after the move. Unfortunately that's not going to help me if my boss gets frustrated with me.
I don't think that will happen, but you never know. If working for Baptist taught me anything its not to get complacent in any job. I know there's way too much time that he DOESN'T need me. I know I'm kind of not always there when he does. I mean physically I'm almost always there. (No, not in a sex way. I could never think of him that way).
I don't know... all of this moving and packing has woken up a lot of things in me. Its made me very anxious and pensive, raised a lot of my unresolved childhood issues as well. Anger over things so out of my control and so ridiculous I then feel stupid for being angry about them, or crying about them. When all the stress and anxiety get to be too much I tend to cry a lot more.
I'm in a place right now where I feel like I'm losing my grip on things. Not to the past points of self destruction by any means, but just losing that tenuous grip a little bit. The situation with the guy a few weeks ago didn't help any either. I guess I should/could talk about that. And when I feel like this the "They're all going to laugh at you" voice is loud in my head again.
And lately the "Inside Out" has felt stronger than ever, because I kind of feel like I'm wearing all of my insides outside. I went through so many years of feeling like this, I hate feeling it again now. And yet, I am the one who gets frustrated with my living arrangements and slightly nomadic every few years.
I would love to just settle down into a normal life, but I've been so alone for so long now I don't know that I would know how. I don't know that I know how to make those compromises, particularly in a healthy relationship, or at least healthier than I've had before... which doesn't say too much when you look at the overall scope of things.
I am rambling tonight it seems like. I really started this just to talk about my moving anxiety and I seem to be talking a little bit about everything. I guess that's a good thing. I am getting use out of this at least. Making up for lost time maybe? And who knows how long my dedication to this will last.
In any case, I should go for now. Its late and I need to sleep. I need to get some real work done tomorrow, if for no other reason than so I feel good about myself and what I am getting done, although I'm pretty sure my boss would appreciate me doing my JOB.
I wish I could get over this knot in my stomach that I've had for the last several days. I wish I felt like I was on track, but I'm not. I wish there was a way I could counsel myself the way I like to and try to counsel everyone else. With the same view, the same objectiveness, the same perspective instead of feeling like I'm drowning all the time.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Such a follower
So, being a great follower of my friends, and allies and such I have gotten a formspring account, Formspring.me/JazmynGrey. I am not sure why I felt this was necessary other than "all the other cool kids were doing it".
Also the entry dated Saturday is incomplete, but I put it on hold and forgot all the joyous extrapolation I'd planned. Maybe it will come to me later. I need to do a bit more work and planning on the blog and see how its going to continue. I have lots of thoughts. Some of them important... some of them not so much.
Also the entry dated Saturday is incomplete, but I put it on hold and forgot all the joyous extrapolation I'd planned. Maybe it will come to me later. I need to do a bit more work and planning on the blog and see how its going to continue. I have lots of thoughts. Some of them important... some of them not so much.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
A Change in Scenery
In my non everyday life blog I am going to talk more about my every day life and the things in it. I guess I should just officially change focus, huh.
After all its not like anyone reads this thing anyway ;)
There's lots of things going on, lots of things coming up. With this having not being intended as a daily blog I almost feel like I've talked a ton about myself, but haven't really said anything. Of course how much do you really need to know, and who is this mysterious "You" that I keep talking to? Also my memory sucks and I haven't re-read a lot of my old entries to know what I've talked about.
So, Hi. I'm me. I write stuff here. Ok sure you figured that out. I'm kind of rambling today. You likely figured that out too. I am moving to a new apartment. I am very excited about this. And of course I love every new place I move into. Until things start to go wrong. At least the ceiling didn't collapse in this apartment like it did in the last one. (Totally not my fault!)
After all its not like anyone reads this thing anyway ;)
There's lots of things going on, lots of things coming up. With this having not being intended as a daily blog I almost feel like I've talked a ton about myself, but haven't really said anything. Of course how much do you really need to know, and who is this mysterious "You" that I keep talking to? Also my memory sucks and I haven't re-read a lot of my old entries to know what I've talked about.
So, Hi. I'm me. I write stuff here. Ok sure you figured that out. I'm kind of rambling today. You likely figured that out too. I am moving to a new apartment. I am very excited about this. And of course I love every new place I move into. Until things start to go wrong. At least the ceiling didn't collapse in this apartment like it did in the last one. (Totally not my fault!)
Sunday, March 7, 2010
You don't fix faith, River. Faith fixes you.
I feel like I haven't written in a very long time. Partially because I have lost the altruistic spirit that I started this blog with, to keep a voice that was essentially narrating my experiences for the good of others and not to turn it into a daily whining blog. Of course I've said that multiple times before as well.
My alarm went off this morning at 6:30am. Apparently I had my alarm set to "on" as opposed to "weekdays only". The only reason I don't recall it Saturday I suppose is because of the nyquil Friday night. I woke up this morning with an odd feeling....
I should go to church.
This actually left me with some odd thoughts. Where do I belong? I was raised Catholic, essentially renounced that when I was rebaptized Baptist. I don't hold to any tenets of either church. I don't believe homosexuality is evil, despite joking about it I don't really think I'm going to hell.
I am not atheist or agnostic. I have faith. I have a relationship with God. I don't need empirical evidence that he exists because I have had countless blessings in my life, that were more than luck, which is not to say I haven't had my trials and tribulations and doubts. I still have doubts, but after so many nights of being destroyed, of damaging myself, my mind and my flesh and begging for deliverance and coming out the other side relatively whole and intact...
I question the adherence to the Bible, and the selection of scripture to suit your needs. Even if the stories are true, and not just early quantum state phenomenon they were still transcribed by man, and thus subject to the views, the editorializing, and the embellishment of man's mind - not just of the original writer, but of the thousands of transcribers since.
None of this answers the fundamental question that kept me awake so early this Sunday morning. Where do I belong? I am of no particular defining group whether it be by my faith, my size, my sexuality, my looks, or my desires. I am a woman of this earth. I speak to God, and he communicates with me in the Earth. In each face, in each flower, in each cloud, in each blade of grass.
Do I need a definition? Do I need a structure to call my church as long as I know my heart and my faith. As long as I am true to my tenets and my beliefs? And who can judge whether that's correct.
The wisest thing I think I've heard is the parent that lets a child choose their own faith when they are old enough to make an informed decision. It is generous and wise, and the child will eventually choose their own path anyway. Forcing a child to church biases them against religion in a way, at least in some cases. Refusal to attend becomes less about faith, less about the deity of choice and more about rebellion.
I want to live my life without contradiction as much as possible. I don't understand love thy brother/sister, unless he is different from you. I understand don't love your brother/sister if they're an asshole, or you have some other reason. I don't understand going to church to hate and to gossip even if it via prayer. (Lord please help my daughter in law who is lazy and can't hold a job, etc) I don't understand books like the Gay Agenda... which I refuse to read but seems to preach hate.
I don't understand, and I don't want to belong there.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Self Examination
I have been thinking a lot about myself lately. I know this sounds kind of self centered, but its not thinking about myself in a prideful way. Just evaluating where I am, the pros and cons of my friendships in my life, the people who irritate me. This was never meant to be a daily blog, and it isn't. It is however a place to capture the thoughts in my head, and I still hold to that initial hope, that it could prove helpful to someone else one day... not that I think anyone reads this! If they do I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed. I guess it depends on what they get out of it, or if it comes back to bite me later. I know that sounds so incredibly paranoid, but I don't think its out of the realm of possibility considering the person who I seem to be clashing with the most lately.
That's part of my self evaluation. Trying to get myself back on a positive path in any number of ways. I am trying to achieve even small achievements. I think that's a good start. A list of goals that aren't all I want to lose x amount of weight or I want eternal happiness. A couple of years ago for Christmas, the very first year I worked for him actually my boss gave me a copy of the secret. I am wondering if I should read it and try this self visualization thing. Can it hurt?
I feel like I sound ungrateful a lot for the good things in my life. I am really not. I know I have phenomenal good in my life. I have a great job and a great job and right or wrong I couldn't ask for more or anyone better to work for. Particularly when I get into these... unmotivated states.
The people who I truly consider friends online and off are very varied, but are all amazing and provide support for me in many ways whether they realize it or not. I don't always advertise the days I feel my weakest.
I was determined some weeks ago that I was going to try to maintain a more positive outlook and reorganize my life, and to not be afraid. I am making slow progress. I am organizing the closet, making it more organized and categorizing things into bins rather than cardboard boxes. I am even throwing out excess and reevaluating some of the things that I've kept over the years. Transferral to bins is more of a financial issue. I should eventually pare the one big bin into a smaller bin, but its been pared down from two big boxes.
I have a hard time with the stuff from one particular friend, because it meant so much to him to be able to share my life and to be able to send me things to either make my life easier or to help me in some other way. He's tried so often to be there to hold my hand mentally/emotionally and offer support in ways I never had before. It was such a welcome change. Working days has altered that friendship even more significantly than just time itself, but he is still a welcome part of my life, and of my heart.
In other achievements my sister's birthday presents were sent in time to be early, but got there one day after Halloween, which was disappointing since the whole package was Halloween themed and I thought I mailed it in time to get there by Halloween. She said it might have been a problem on campus. In any case that was a win for me.
However it was also a loss for me. Despite my frequent weight gain in the last year I took the opportunity of the treat shopping I did for her to lead to compulsive eating again. Well I would have done it anyway, but it made it so much easier. I also spent too much money. On one hand I was working a lot of shows at the time so it didn't have as much impact as it could have financially. She loved it, and that's what I wanted. AND I got her Christmas present already.
This isn't all I wanted it to be, its just a section of my recent self examination. There, as always is more to come.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Emotional Growth... Or lack thereof
Been a little while since I've written. The PC is back up and running so I have been on that more, and just haven't blogged. Had a little bit of stuff going on. I had another birthday, turned 35. Felt kind of bad about it since I felt neglected. My birthday fell very awkwardly this year, on a Sunday, which altered mail plans for gifts. I had a huge bank shortage that I had to borrow money from people for. Its not been a great time.
Don't get me wrong, I hate being as negative as I have been in my last several blogs, and I know there are a lot of people who have things much worse in the world than I do. I understand that and don't think I have the worst problems. I should just change all of the wording on the page, the descriptive stuff because it is not educational anymore, its just me bitching.
The day of turning 35 was not as bad as I anticipated. I spent some time with the family here, spent a lot of time on the phone talking about the new house with my mom and my sister, and spent some time online with friends.
My eating has been way out of control again/still. I'll do good for a little bit, and then fall right back into the bad stuff. Its frustrating especially when I feel like I have no control over it. I have been drinking more lately. One day a week heavily and occasionally during the week. I don't think that's been excessive, just trying to monitor it so it doesn't become excessive.
I have been posting links to this on twitter, but not facebook. As I gain followers like Holley on Twitter, and I have my family following me on FB I don't know if I should. I don't think people view it regardless, although my family might.
I was on board with my mother selling the house, until she had a buyer. Now I have mixed feelings. Then again I have mixed feelings about the house too.
I'll have to talk about the drama with my dad and my phone number on my birthday, but I'm tired right now. I'll write more soon.
Don't get me wrong, I hate being as negative as I have been in my last several blogs, and I know there are a lot of people who have things much worse in the world than I do. I understand that and don't think I have the worst problems. I should just change all of the wording on the page, the descriptive stuff because it is not educational anymore, its just me bitching.
The day of turning 35 was not as bad as I anticipated. I spent some time with the family here, spent a lot of time on the phone talking about the new house with my mom and my sister, and spent some time online with friends.
My eating has been way out of control again/still. I'll do good for a little bit, and then fall right back into the bad stuff. Its frustrating especially when I feel like I have no control over it. I have been drinking more lately. One day a week heavily and occasionally during the week. I don't think that's been excessive, just trying to monitor it so it doesn't become excessive.
I have been posting links to this on twitter, but not facebook. As I gain followers like Holley on Twitter, and I have my family following me on FB I don't know if I should. I don't think people view it regardless, although my family might.
I was on board with my mother selling the house, until she had a buyer. Now I have mixed feelings. Then again I have mixed feelings about the house too.
I'll have to talk about the drama with my dad and my phone number on my birthday, but I'm tired right now. I'll write more soon.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Hate
I don't like hating, its counter productive, but I am so damn good at it sometimes it scares me. My mom talks about admonishing me (aka screaming/possibly striking me) when I said I hated something or someone for that very reason. "It's not nice to hate". She says she feels bad about that now, and in some ways I think she should, in other ways its a valuable lesson.
I hate the way I look and very often I actually hate myself. I ty to do things to remedy this, to break this cycle of self hatred. For two months I exercised every day, either riding an exercise bike, or when I could going on the treadmill at my boss'. I felt good about that other than the days that my ankles hurt from using the bike barefoot considering the history of planters facaeitis (that is so spelled wrong). I have found that I think regular exercise gives me a license to eat more. For the last week I haven't done any exercise at all.
Inside my head I can be terribly mean, beyond my usual sarcasm and cutting remarks. Many times it is with people that I see going along similar paths that I have gone down. Particularly when despite my dislike for someone I've tried to offer the best advice from my experience. That is the benefit of having the experiences that I've had.
I hate my inability to relate to my peers sometimes. I feel like I am lightyears away from them. I am still dealing in real life with feelings of social anxiety and in both my real and online lives my feelings of ongoing solitude even while in a crowd. It's a funny conundrum. The people who seek complete attention all the time irk me, at the same time when I feel vulnerable and share a piece of myself I fell angry if no one gives me that same attention. The problem is always the same, I don't connect enough. I have been rejected by the people in my life, including myself so often that I am afraid of opening up to people, and always keep myself just slightly removed from the group. At the same time the last time I became part of "the group" it felt like they did nothing but tear down other people, and that's not how I want to get my self esteem. Making other people hurt like I have hurt is not helpful.
I don't walk outside because in my head I still hear every taunt about my weight that I have ever heard. It haunts me and still continues to frighten me sometimes. I hate the weaknesses in myself. I hate this lack of control I feel. I hate that I have been so overtly negative lately.
I hate the way I look and very often I actually hate myself. I ty to do things to remedy this, to break this cycle of self hatred. For two months I exercised every day, either riding an exercise bike, or when I could going on the treadmill at my boss'. I felt good about that other than the days that my ankles hurt from using the bike barefoot considering the history of planters facaeitis (that is so spelled wrong). I have found that I think regular exercise gives me a license to eat more. For the last week I haven't done any exercise at all.
Inside my head I can be terribly mean, beyond my usual sarcasm and cutting remarks. Many times it is with people that I see going along similar paths that I have gone down. Particularly when despite my dislike for someone I've tried to offer the best advice from my experience. That is the benefit of having the experiences that I've had.
I hate my inability to relate to my peers sometimes. I feel like I am lightyears away from them. I am still dealing in real life with feelings of social anxiety and in both my real and online lives my feelings of ongoing solitude even while in a crowd. It's a funny conundrum. The people who seek complete attention all the time irk me, at the same time when I feel vulnerable and share a piece of myself I fell angry if no one gives me that same attention. The problem is always the same, I don't connect enough. I have been rejected by the people in my life, including myself so often that I am afraid of opening up to people, and always keep myself just slightly removed from the group. At the same time the last time I became part of "the group" it felt like they did nothing but tear down other people, and that's not how I want to get my self esteem. Making other people hurt like I have hurt is not helpful.
I don't walk outside because in my head I still hear every taunt about my weight that I have ever heard. It haunts me and still continues to frighten me sometimes. I hate the weaknesses in myself. I hate this lack of control I feel. I hate that I have been so overtly negative lately.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
I am a mess lately
Its not a physical hurt, there is an ache in my heart that I have always had, but sometimes it comes back more than others. All the pain, the anger, the loneliness in my life sitting in a ball in my chest. It aches so much that the slightest outside influence can bring me to tears. I have been touched y so much in the last few days in some ways, and in others I feel so lonely, so bereft.
I don't know what I'm doing or where I'm going. I feel so lost. I feel like my life is slipping away from me again, and while I'm not mutilating this time, or suicidal I still feel out of touch. I am reading "Breaking Free from Emotional Eating" which is something of a mixed blessing, as well as trying to follow up on the advice that I've been given before, which is to write some of the stories of things that have happened to me down. This blog may wind up a spring board, or a catchment area for a lot of those ideas in the days and weeks to come.
My mother is on my case to make peace with my bio dad and to be duplicitous with my step father. I will not deceive my stepfather - well adoptive father to suit my mother's needs. So much I want to say, and not able to collect the thoughts at the moment.
My mother called me today, she's been having a string of good days since she went back on her MS medication, which is great. I am happy for her. Her doctors swear she's not in alzheimers that all of her problems are due to the MS. That's good, although she's told me her brain is shrinking and my boss (a doctor) has said that's part of dimentia. If there's anything that describes my mother its demented. (sometimes) She likes to talk to me and offer advice about my relationship with my biological father, and tell me how much they're communicating. That's great for her... so she can get her childlike fixation back on him again... and he can break her heart, again. At least this time he can't knock her up. She's in therapy now so she thinks she's this all knowing beacon of light. She had a major breakthrough today because she dealt with the fact that her mother died when she was young and she's had to deal with all the doctors and stuff for her MS herself. The way she talked about it she sounded like her mother would still be doing all this stuff for her. It was really weird. But her breakthrough was about being angry about it I think, and the quack she's going to told her that its made her that much stronger to not have that. That my mother always tells herself she can't, but she always does. She does because she has to like everyone else. We all survive because we need to. To me this is not a breakthrough, and she didn't do everything herself. She's clearly forgotten all that my grandfather did for her. He made it so she didn't have to work for years, be bought her vehicles that she never took care of, gave her (and me) a comfortable home that she subsequently punched holes in the walls when she was drinking and angry... and sometimes when she wasn't drinking. She also is having a breakthrough on how she needs to feel less guilty about having been a shitty mother in so many ways. Because it just wasn't her fault... She did the best she could... and I guess if that wasn't good enough too fucking bad.
I know I am too old to be angry about some of this stuff still. At least that's what I'll be told, mainly by her, but this is the same woman who still talks about her emotionally bereft childhood and the boy that she loved that left her. Its kind of like ok it was 35+ years ago. Get over it. Sometimes it feels like my sister talks to me like a mom. My mother wants me to lie for her and keep her secrets which I have very mixed feelings about. One, I don't like lying to my sister or anyone else that my mother asks me to "cover for her" with. The other is why am I the one who has to hold the secrets, why don't I get to be protected, why don't I get to be the one she's afraid to tell. I am just as angry as everyone else would be, just as disappointed, and more so because I have to lie about it.
Tonight's cake taker was I needed my stepfather's address since he'd recently moved. She gave it to me but asked when I send the card if I could put A. Tucci on it instead of using an address label so his girlfriend might think it was from her. She's fucking insane.
She always seems surprised when I have so much anger at my biofather but doesn't realize a lot of that is the same anger that is directed at her. I am tired of the I have problems with alcohol or drugs whether I see them or not so the things in my life that are fucked up are not my fault. Poor me wah wah. I mean I get like that too, but half the shit I went through, most of the shit I've gone through has been from the path those two have set me on. i can't forgive that easily. And even if I try to forgive I can't forget. I am angry. I'm hurt that he's such an asshole. I hate that he reminds me so much of my past too. That he asked for so much right off the bat. That he wants this on his terms.
In any case, I'm being whiny and I'm tired. My boss is out of town and I keep horrible hours when I don't have to work the next day.
I don't know what I'm doing or where I'm going. I feel so lost. I feel like my life is slipping away from me again, and while I'm not mutilating this time, or suicidal I still feel out of touch. I am reading "Breaking Free from Emotional Eating" which is something of a mixed blessing, as well as trying to follow up on the advice that I've been given before, which is to write some of the stories of things that have happened to me down. This blog may wind up a spring board, or a catchment area for a lot of those ideas in the days and weeks to come.
My mother is on my case to make peace with my bio dad and to be duplicitous with my step father. I will not deceive my stepfather - well adoptive father to suit my mother's needs. So much I want to say, and not able to collect the thoughts at the moment.
My mother called me today, she's been having a string of good days since she went back on her MS medication, which is great. I am happy for her. Her doctors swear she's not in alzheimers that all of her problems are due to the MS. That's good, although she's told me her brain is shrinking and my boss (a doctor) has said that's part of dimentia. If there's anything that describes my mother its demented. (sometimes) She likes to talk to me and offer advice about my relationship with my biological father, and tell me how much they're communicating. That's great for her... so she can get her childlike fixation back on him again... and he can break her heart, again. At least this time he can't knock her up. She's in therapy now so she thinks she's this all knowing beacon of light. She had a major breakthrough today because she dealt with the fact that her mother died when she was young and she's had to deal with all the doctors and stuff for her MS herself. The way she talked about it she sounded like her mother would still be doing all this stuff for her. It was really weird. But her breakthrough was about being angry about it I think, and the quack she's going to told her that its made her that much stronger to not have that. That my mother always tells herself she can't, but she always does. She does because she has to like everyone else. We all survive because we need to. To me this is not a breakthrough, and she didn't do everything herself. She's clearly forgotten all that my grandfather did for her. He made it so she didn't have to work for years, be bought her vehicles that she never took care of, gave her (and me) a comfortable home that she subsequently punched holes in the walls when she was drinking and angry... and sometimes when she wasn't drinking. She also is having a breakthrough on how she needs to feel less guilty about having been a shitty mother in so many ways. Because it just wasn't her fault... She did the best she could... and I guess if that wasn't good enough too fucking bad.
I know I am too old to be angry about some of this stuff still. At least that's what I'll be told, mainly by her, but this is the same woman who still talks about her emotionally bereft childhood and the boy that she loved that left her. Its kind of like ok it was 35+ years ago. Get over it. Sometimes it feels like my sister talks to me like a mom. My mother wants me to lie for her and keep her secrets which I have very mixed feelings about. One, I don't like lying to my sister or anyone else that my mother asks me to "cover for her" with. The other is why am I the one who has to hold the secrets, why don't I get to be protected, why don't I get to be the one she's afraid to tell. I am just as angry as everyone else would be, just as disappointed, and more so because I have to lie about it.
Tonight's cake taker was I needed my stepfather's address since he'd recently moved. She gave it to me but asked when I send the card if I could put A. Tucci on it instead of using an address label so his girlfriend might think it was from her. She's fucking insane.
She always seems surprised when I have so much anger at my biofather but doesn't realize a lot of that is the same anger that is directed at her. I am tired of the I have problems with alcohol or drugs whether I see them or not so the things in my life that are fucked up are not my fault. Poor me wah wah. I mean I get like that too, but half the shit I went through, most of the shit I've gone through has been from the path those two have set me on. i can't forgive that easily. And even if I try to forgive I can't forget. I am angry. I'm hurt that he's such an asshole. I hate that he reminds me so much of my past too. That he asked for so much right off the bat. That he wants this on his terms.
In any case, I'm being whiny and I'm tired. My boss is out of town and I keep horrible hours when I don't have to work the next day.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Parents... who needs them
(Warning: I am a whiny bitch tonight)
So when do you reach the point when you stop wanting parents? Well I have parents, and recently I have an abundance of parents. I have my mother, who has Multiple Sclerosis, and it is worsening, and I would love to help her. She just needs to understand that the same way her life did not stop for me when I needed a mother, I will not surrender my entire life to slave to her. I know that sounds bitchy, but you don't know my mother like I know my mother. Even before her illness progressed she used it when it was worthwhile to her. There is very little talking to my mother without screaming first, and there is something to be said for the woman who put me on my first diet when I was 9 years old. There's nothing that belittles self esteem like You'd be so pretty if you just lost some weight. We cannot agree on the level of physical violence in my childhood, although I get told on a regular basis that I was regularly alternately neglected and abused. She denies all of this, and has told me that I have made it all up. There is much more I can say about my mother, that I can continue to say about my mother, but the thing I guess that I still want the most, and the reason that I started writing this is I long to have that mother/daughter relationship that lets me be in the same room with her for more than a day without wanting to throttle her. I love my mother don't get me wrong, but the relationship we had was unhealthy at best.
My step-father is a psychologist. Not only did he have to deal with my mother, but he dealt with my troubled relationship with my mother, often mediating in way we'd never had before. He was a clear help in the physical aspect of my relationship with my mother, often coming between us when she appeared to be gearing for an assault. Still he was somewhat removed from the family, did not truly foster any of my likes, or desires in a nurturing way. When talking about wanting to be a chorus teacher the biting (and what he thought was humorous I'm sure) response was "Those who can't do, teach." A favorite game at family events would seem to be starting a discussion about how many mistakes I had made in my life.
Both he and my mother fostered my loneliness by limiting my access to friends and interaction with people. I was not permitted to much of the things that my peers did. Something that I still cope with. Something that has manifested itself in social anxiety as I've gotten older.
I've talked a lot about my biological father a lot lately. His non presence was a great influence in my life as well. I was not permitted to talk about him often because it might not sit well with my step father or my grandfather who was the guiding male figure in my life prior to my mother getting married when I was 13.
I struggle so much with the relationship with my mother, and the relationships with both of my fathers. My stepfather is still distant, which I can give a lot of reasons for, but it doesn't make it any less hurtful. Our family is just warmer, I'm just a warmer person. He truly does the best he can though I think.
I have been told for ever that my mother was just a poor 19 year old, she was the best mother she knew how to be, that she did the best she could, that she was good to me. I would like to believe all that, but I would also like to feel more bonded to my mother and I just don't. I wonder if its too late to fix that. She currently exhausts me. Everything is about her, it has to be. It always has been that way. She was incapable of being a loving supportive mother because of her disease, because of her own upbringing, but people make choices. At any time she could have chosen to rise above, something I struggle with every day.
I want to be better, I want to learn how to fix myself. I want to forgive the things that were done to me. I want to better appreciate the things that are done for me! I want to be more patient, and to be so frustrated when I am faced with whining and excuses from my parents that make them seem more of a child than I've ever been.
I think I am done whining for now. I was hoping this would prove more cathartic. Perhaps I am not finished with this topic...
So when do you reach the point when you stop wanting parents? Well I have parents, and recently I have an abundance of parents. I have my mother, who has Multiple Sclerosis, and it is worsening, and I would love to help her. She just needs to understand that the same way her life did not stop for me when I needed a mother, I will not surrender my entire life to slave to her. I know that sounds bitchy, but you don't know my mother like I know my mother. Even before her illness progressed she used it when it was worthwhile to her. There is very little talking to my mother without screaming first, and there is something to be said for the woman who put me on my first diet when I was 9 years old. There's nothing that belittles self esteem like You'd be so pretty if you just lost some weight. We cannot agree on the level of physical violence in my childhood, although I get told on a regular basis that I was regularly alternately neglected and abused. She denies all of this, and has told me that I have made it all up. There is much more I can say about my mother, that I can continue to say about my mother, but the thing I guess that I still want the most, and the reason that I started writing this is I long to have that mother/daughter relationship that lets me be in the same room with her for more than a day without wanting to throttle her. I love my mother don't get me wrong, but the relationship we had was unhealthy at best.
My step-father is a psychologist. Not only did he have to deal with my mother, but he dealt with my troubled relationship with my mother, often mediating in way we'd never had before. He was a clear help in the physical aspect of my relationship with my mother, often coming between us when she appeared to be gearing for an assault. Still he was somewhat removed from the family, did not truly foster any of my likes, or desires in a nurturing way. When talking about wanting to be a chorus teacher the biting (and what he thought was humorous I'm sure) response was "Those who can't do, teach." A favorite game at family events would seem to be starting a discussion about how many mistakes I had made in my life.
Both he and my mother fostered my loneliness by limiting my access to friends and interaction with people. I was not permitted to much of the things that my peers did. Something that I still cope with. Something that has manifested itself in social anxiety as I've gotten older.
I've talked a lot about my biological father a lot lately. His non presence was a great influence in my life as well. I was not permitted to talk about him often because it might not sit well with my step father or my grandfather who was the guiding male figure in my life prior to my mother getting married when I was 13.
I struggle so much with the relationship with my mother, and the relationships with both of my fathers. My stepfather is still distant, which I can give a lot of reasons for, but it doesn't make it any less hurtful. Our family is just warmer, I'm just a warmer person. He truly does the best he can though I think.
I have been told for ever that my mother was just a poor 19 year old, she was the best mother she knew how to be, that she did the best she could, that she was good to me. I would like to believe all that, but I would also like to feel more bonded to my mother and I just don't. I wonder if its too late to fix that. She currently exhausts me. Everything is about her, it has to be. It always has been that way. She was incapable of being a loving supportive mother because of her disease, because of her own upbringing, but people make choices. At any time she could have chosen to rise above, something I struggle with every day.
I want to be better, I want to learn how to fix myself. I want to forgive the things that were done to me. I want to better appreciate the things that are done for me! I want to be more patient, and to be so frustrated when I am faced with whining and excuses from my parents that make them seem more of a child than I've ever been.
I think I am done whining for now. I was hoping this would prove more cathartic. Perhaps I am not finished with this topic...
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Taking Responsibility and other random thoughts
I struggled for a long time with factors in my life. I am a compulsive overeater, I have a history of attention seeking, I have been a liar and a thief and occasionally a twitter stalker. Much of which was to support my compulsive behavior. I have other behaviors too. I consistently look for love in "all the wrong places" and am still always surprised by the poor outcome, but they are my behaviors. I own them, and I control them... more or less. I am responsible for these behaviors. I get sick of the damned victim attitude. I had all this crappy shit happen to me, I am a victim of life, people use me and walk all over me, I had a shitty childhood, no body loves me ENOUGH boo fucking hoo.
The reason I chose to talk about this today is twofold. I have "friends" online, although many of them I don't know if I can call them friend. We have nothing in common, up to and including the fact that I scrape and claw to get to a place where I don't feel like shit daily, struggle with my real life, and try like hell not to take the easy way out and blame the world for my problems. They don't. I will occasionally glance at a twitter page and become infuriated by the ceaseless attention seeking and blame on everyone else. I was that girl. I know how that path goes. I guess part of it is just that my panties are in a twist that when I offer the advice from taking that path that it goes unheeded. Yes, I know that I wouldn't have listened to my mother when she gave advice, but had I had a slightly older contemporary... someone who had really been there...
Second, My mother was here for a visit recently. I know where I got my poor behavior, my attention seeking, my inability to let things go, many of my negative traits. I know that a lot of my positive traits come from her as well however. My mother loves as much as she is able, its just not always adequate. I fall into that trap myself, and with unhealthy people, but once I realize how critically unhealthy they are its too late, I'm in it. I don't like to back down. My mother is an interesting study. (I truly think I missed my calling by not going into some kind of psych.) She will tell me that I should stop blaming the bad things in my life on the past (much of which pertains to her parenting ability) things that I wasn't allowed to do that my sixteen years younger sister is allowed to without the bat of an eye, or just things that happened to me, traumatic or not. However we hear from every moment of her life how her past shaped her decision making. The trauma of losing her mother at 17. Admittedly horrific, particularly after the pain of cancer. The part she glosses over was how wild she was prior to then, that she didn't have the storybook loving relationship with her parents. We hear about how the "love of her life" from high school broke her heart. How that still pains her so deeply. My step-father was in constant competition with this man, that he never met. nearly 40 years later my mother still talks about this love, but my sister should get over her love quickly because it is an inconvenience to my mother. Everything is a secret, her continued smoking is to be kept a secret from my sister to avoid conflict, and yet she then will complain that she has poor relationships with the people around her. And, my mother was diagnosed at a young age with Multiple Sclerosis. That is the big evil in life now, every behavior, whether it was there before or not. I know it sounds like I am an unforgiving witch, and I know some facets of her behavior are affected by her disease, but I am tired of every conversation, every thought, every interchange with my mother being punctuated with "its my disease that makes me this way" when she was this way long before the disease took lasting effect. Everyone has problems completeing a thought from time to time, everyone forgets things, everyone has emotional moments, everyone has problems. My mother gets so freaked out and pissed off over the slightest thing. You can't say anything to her without her getting hostile and feeling attacked or suspicious. Including benign things like "How are you" if she feels there is the slightest bit of a "tone" to your voice she will freak out on you. She will attribute that to the disease now, but I've gotten my ass kicked over the same thing in the past. Granted I may not have always been aware of my attitudes like I am now, but... just once I would like to be able to have a normal conversation with my mother. I am also tired of everything being about me and my sister when nothing has been for me and my sister, but in the retelling it makes my mother look like the good guy. I am nearly 35 years old. My mother tells me she is staying in contact with my biological father to make things better for me. They talk to each other like I am a minor still. She's "loaned" him money - a fact that would make other members of my family livid, but I am supposed to believe its all for me. She's offered him a place to stay and gets jealous when he talks about his girlfriend. But its all for me. And when he disappears again, or he doesn't communicate enough and she gets her feelings hurt its not her fault for opening herself up to him again, it will be my fault or is my fault because she was only talking to him for me. My mother drank heavily, and I would call her an alcoholic until I was like 13. She attributes her stopped drinking to me, that after she literally became a falling down drunk at a wedding I was looking at her with great confusions and concern, but my stepfather (although I think this was prior to them being married) looked at her with utter disgust. What do you think was the motivator there. She doesn't feel that she was an alcoholic though, and she can control her drinking now. (Which is why after she and my stepfather divorced every full bottle of wine and everything else in the house became an empty bottle). I think she's replaced her addiction to alcohol with an addiction to prescription pain killers that she uses for the MS.
And while we're discussing addiction and inability to take responsibility for actions... my "stupid fucking biological" as my sister lovingly refers to him is in the phase of his recovery where he is trying to put his life right with the people that he hurt. That includes me apparently, however he seems to be getting annoyed with the fact that I am not ready to embrace this with open arms. I hadn't heard from him in several days, so I sent him an email, and his response, the man that abandonned me for so many years responded with "I thought you had abandonned me." I was livid. Then proceeds to ask my mother for my phone number! I told my sister to tell my mother to tell him I wasn't ready for that kind of commitment. I am tired though of every aspect of shit in his life being attributed to his life of addiction. He chose that life. Yes, I understand that addiction takes over your life, and people need to hit a bottom, but at the same time, you can not wait 30+ years to decide not to be an asshole your whole life.
So I continue to struggle with my one time educational blog or what I hoped would be educational devolving into a place of my whining and railing against the universe, and my struggle to become a better person, to be able to truly love, to truly give of myself before I wind up alone.
The reason I chose to talk about this today is twofold. I have "friends" online, although many of them I don't know if I can call them friend. We have nothing in common, up to and including the fact that I scrape and claw to get to a place where I don't feel like shit daily, struggle with my real life, and try like hell not to take the easy way out and blame the world for my problems. They don't. I will occasionally glance at a twitter page and become infuriated by the ceaseless attention seeking and blame on everyone else. I was that girl. I know how that path goes. I guess part of it is just that my panties are in a twist that when I offer the advice from taking that path that it goes unheeded. Yes, I know that I wouldn't have listened to my mother when she gave advice, but had I had a slightly older contemporary... someone who had really been there...
Second, My mother was here for a visit recently. I know where I got my poor behavior, my attention seeking, my inability to let things go, many of my negative traits. I know that a lot of my positive traits come from her as well however. My mother loves as much as she is able, its just not always adequate. I fall into that trap myself, and with unhealthy people, but once I realize how critically unhealthy they are its too late, I'm in it. I don't like to back down. My mother is an interesting study. (I truly think I missed my calling by not going into some kind of psych.) She will tell me that I should stop blaming the bad things in my life on the past (much of which pertains to her parenting ability) things that I wasn't allowed to do that my sixteen years younger sister is allowed to without the bat of an eye, or just things that happened to me, traumatic or not. However we hear from every moment of her life how her past shaped her decision making. The trauma of losing her mother at 17. Admittedly horrific, particularly after the pain of cancer. The part she glosses over was how wild she was prior to then, that she didn't have the storybook loving relationship with her parents. We hear about how the "love of her life" from high school broke her heart. How that still pains her so deeply. My step-father was in constant competition with this man, that he never met. nearly 40 years later my mother still talks about this love, but my sister should get over her love quickly because it is an inconvenience to my mother. Everything is a secret, her continued smoking is to be kept a secret from my sister to avoid conflict, and yet she then will complain that she has poor relationships with the people around her. And, my mother was diagnosed at a young age with Multiple Sclerosis. That is the big evil in life now, every behavior, whether it was there before or not. I know it sounds like I am an unforgiving witch, and I know some facets of her behavior are affected by her disease, but I am tired of every conversation, every thought, every interchange with my mother being punctuated with "its my disease that makes me this way" when she was this way long before the disease took lasting effect. Everyone has problems completeing a thought from time to time, everyone forgets things, everyone has emotional moments, everyone has problems. My mother gets so freaked out and pissed off over the slightest thing. You can't say anything to her without her getting hostile and feeling attacked or suspicious. Including benign things like "How are you" if she feels there is the slightest bit of a "tone" to your voice she will freak out on you. She will attribute that to the disease now, but I've gotten my ass kicked over the same thing in the past. Granted I may not have always been aware of my attitudes like I am now, but... just once I would like to be able to have a normal conversation with my mother. I am also tired of everything being about me and my sister when nothing has been for me and my sister, but in the retelling it makes my mother look like the good guy. I am nearly 35 years old. My mother tells me she is staying in contact with my biological father to make things better for me. They talk to each other like I am a minor still. She's "loaned" him money - a fact that would make other members of my family livid, but I am supposed to believe its all for me. She's offered him a place to stay and gets jealous when he talks about his girlfriend. But its all for me. And when he disappears again, or he doesn't communicate enough and she gets her feelings hurt its not her fault for opening herself up to him again, it will be my fault or is my fault because she was only talking to him for me. My mother drank heavily, and I would call her an alcoholic until I was like 13. She attributes her stopped drinking to me, that after she literally became a falling down drunk at a wedding I was looking at her with great confusions and concern, but my stepfather (although I think this was prior to them being married) looked at her with utter disgust. What do you think was the motivator there. She doesn't feel that she was an alcoholic though, and she can control her drinking now. (Which is why after she and my stepfather divorced every full bottle of wine and everything else in the house became an empty bottle). I think she's replaced her addiction to alcohol with an addiction to prescription pain killers that she uses for the MS.
And while we're discussing addiction and inability to take responsibility for actions... my "stupid fucking biological" as my sister lovingly refers to him is in the phase of his recovery where he is trying to put his life right with the people that he hurt. That includes me apparently, however he seems to be getting annoyed with the fact that I am not ready to embrace this with open arms. I hadn't heard from him in several days, so I sent him an email, and his response, the man that abandonned me for so many years responded with "I thought you had abandonned me." I was livid. Then proceeds to ask my mother for my phone number! I told my sister to tell my mother to tell him I wasn't ready for that kind of commitment. I am tired though of every aspect of shit in his life being attributed to his life of addiction. He chose that life. Yes, I understand that addiction takes over your life, and people need to hit a bottom, but at the same time, you can not wait 30+ years to decide not to be an asshole your whole life.
So I continue to struggle with my one time educational blog or what I hoped would be educational devolving into a place of my whining and railing against the universe, and my struggle to become a better person, to be able to truly love, to truly give of myself before I wind up alone.
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