Saturday, May 15, 2010
Moving!
I know I just did a post on moving, but this move was a little bit easier. I've moved over to wordpress. If you stumble over this come on over!
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Alone
I wonder sometimes if I am going to be alone forever. I go through the motions - dating sites etc. But it seems like the only people I connect to are people that anything serious and lasting with would be an impossibility. Its very self defeating and in the long run leaves me feeling even lonelier.
I want a life and a family and as I get older I wonder to that is ever going to happen for me. More than that I miss having a physical connection with someone. Something beyond the sexual (although that would be nice since its been a few years now). I miss the simplest of touches, caresses, hugs, holding hands. Physical reassurance that no matter what kind of day its been or what is going on in life that I am cared for and loved.
Sometimes I can get by. Other times its much harder. Lately its been painful, particularly as I continue with the changes in my eating habits. It would be nice to have someone here to share that all with and to help me, but through the dating sites I could reach out to people, but my insecurities still have the best of me. I still live in fear of what people think of me and of my weight. Thinking that they won't love me because of what the shell looks like. Being frustrated because I likely will be judged so much more on the outside than the inside and knowing the hypocricy of that hurt because I am guilty of the same. Its human nature to an extent I understand, and I try not to judge on weight or too many extraneous factors. Looking at my failings in previous relationships and how I feel sometimes I wonder if I am just incapable of having a true loving, giving, mutual relationship.
Maybe I can only do that living inside my head where I can fantasize and idealize - or maybe living inside my head has been too much of an escape for too long (something I have done for as long as I can remember but I have found it to be different in recent years). I know that probably sounds crazy, but sometimes to be completely frank I feel like I am my only friend. Or at least the only person who gets me. While it was borne from coping with issues in my often solitary and troubled childhood it is something that has followed me - sometimes with disastrous results while I was in the lowest parts of my life.
Overall I am not depressed the way I used to be. I get down now and then, but now its more longing for a life that feels impossible to me. I am afraid that I have become so frightened and scarred by my experiences that I can't give myself freely anymore - that the fear of the pain associated with a relationship has rendered me incapable.
I don't want to be alone anymore but I don't know how not to be alone.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Fat and Dating
Yep I said the F word. My mom hates when I refer to myself as fat. I can be heavy, plus sized, above average size, curvy... any descriptive of fat, but I can't be fat. I have been working on that lately. I have been doing it for ME. I have curbed most of my cravings, although I did go a little crazy on the cool whip lite tonight. I am consistently under my calories and for the first time in my life I am consistently active. Walking at least a mile at least 3-4 times a week. Its been good. I feel good. I'm taking time and eating better. These are all good changes, but its brought up some interesting conversation.
One of which was a conversation I had recently with my aunt about losing weight to find a man. First of all that's not why I am losing weight, I don't want to die. Second of all why do I want the man who doesn't want me for who I am when I am fat? On the other hand, I've found the men who like fat girls are generally looking for someone to dominate (not in a good fun way). That's what I found with the airforce guy a few months ago, at least in my opinion. I was beneath him (no not literally) so I wasn't supposed to say no.
For some ungodly reason, maybe years of being fat and bad relationships I have gotten a little bit of self respect. I know what I have been through and I know what I will not put up with again.
It also gave me some insight into my aunt and uncle's marriage. Mind you my uncle is my blood relative so I can say this knowing how much it reflects on me and my family and knowing that it sounds like I'm choosing non-blood over blood. Also, insight onto the badness of fat in the eyes of my family.
My uncle is an asshole. He's cheated and lied more of their marriage than any of us except for him really know. They were divorced for years, years that my aunt has put a great deal of weight on from the 118 she was when they started dating that started with my uncle telling her that if she lost like 30 lbs he'd go out with her. And she lost slightly more. They married because she got pregnant. He cheated on her throughout, they divorced, he moved back in the house, combated drinking and each other. They are as odd of a couple as you will find. On one hand I think there has to be a great underlying love there, the romantic side of me really wants to think that. On the other hand it makes me wonder if she is so down on herself for all the yo-yoing her weight has done over the years, and the significant increase in the last couple and my uncle's incessant need to point it out in less than delicate ways that she thinks she can't do better, so she continues to put up with his stupid shit.
However much I want to have a life, a marriage (not just a wedding, and not a disposable marriage), and a family of my own I don't want to be caught up in someone else's bullshit. I don't want to be devalued as a person to make someone else feel better about their shortcomings. I know no one is perfect, and I can already point out way more of my flaws and imperfections more than anyone else in the world. I don't need to be made to feel worse about it. I will not put up with the bullshit, the drug use, the threatened violence, and the actual violence that has been in my past. If you can't love my ass while its fat, you don't deserve to love it when and if it gets skinny.
One of which was a conversation I had recently with my aunt about losing weight to find a man. First of all that's not why I am losing weight, I don't want to die. Second of all why do I want the man who doesn't want me for who I am when I am fat? On the other hand, I've found the men who like fat girls are generally looking for someone to dominate (not in a good fun way). That's what I found with the airforce guy a few months ago, at least in my opinion. I was beneath him (no not literally) so I wasn't supposed to say no.
For some ungodly reason, maybe years of being fat and bad relationships I have gotten a little bit of self respect. I know what I have been through and I know what I will not put up with again.
It also gave me some insight into my aunt and uncle's marriage. Mind you my uncle is my blood relative so I can say this knowing how much it reflects on me and my family and knowing that it sounds like I'm choosing non-blood over blood. Also, insight onto the badness of fat in the eyes of my family.
My uncle is an asshole. He's cheated and lied more of their marriage than any of us except for him really know. They were divorced for years, years that my aunt has put a great deal of weight on from the 118 she was when they started dating that started with my uncle telling her that if she lost like 30 lbs he'd go out with her. And she lost slightly more. They married because she got pregnant. He cheated on her throughout, they divorced, he moved back in the house, combated drinking and each other. They are as odd of a couple as you will find. On one hand I think there has to be a great underlying love there, the romantic side of me really wants to think that. On the other hand it makes me wonder if she is so down on herself for all the yo-yoing her weight has done over the years, and the significant increase in the last couple and my uncle's incessant need to point it out in less than delicate ways that she thinks she can't do better, so she continues to put up with his stupid shit.
However much I want to have a life, a marriage (not just a wedding, and not a disposable marriage), and a family of my own I don't want to be caught up in someone else's bullshit. I don't want to be devalued as a person to make someone else feel better about their shortcomings. I know no one is perfect, and I can already point out way more of my flaws and imperfections more than anyone else in the world. I don't need to be made to feel worse about it. I will not put up with the bullshit, the drug use, the threatened violence, and the actual violence that has been in my past. If you can't love my ass while its fat, you don't deserve to love it when and if it gets skinny.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
A Review of my previous apartment as left on apartmentratings.com
I wanted to wait a little while before I reviewed this monstrosity, but today's events have made me decide otherwise.
During the course of my living there my car was broken into once, something the management never responded to. I did not expect compensation, but after I contacted police I contacted them (via email) to ask if I they needed any information on the event. They never responded. The "security" gates were broken more than they worked, from when I first moved in my windows may have been open when it rained they leaked so badly, they fixed a leak, but never resealed or even painted over the subsequent water stains. During the two winters I was there there were potholes near one of the back gates so significant its a wonder no one got flats out there.
I have never had cockroaches in any place that I've lived, and yet in this apartment I'd had several that came in from the inadequately sealed windows.
The complex is serviced by a useless company called direcpath for its internet needs and as a subcontract for Directv service, which I was told was the only cable/internet I was allowed to have. The equipment for this was in the club house. They neglected to pay the electric bill on the clubhouse which resulted in me losing internet for a week, which had a direct impact on my employment.
I asked for MONTHS for a key to the exercise room, and was refused because they were changing the lock on the door. Finally I gave up. So essentially I paid for amenities that I never got to use.
My water bill was around $11. when I moved in, while I can appreciate inflation, my consumption which has not changed went from $11-$12 to anywhere from $16-18.
The complex itself is falling apart, and yet they chose not to fix the things that were broken, but to renovate the "clubhouse" which was now available for party rentals. This would be the same clubhouse they failed to pay electrical on, and that housed the workout room I was refused a key to.
I had neighbors above me throughout my tenancy one were people that were so loud that they shook my light fixtures when they walked. Another notable tenant were the group that smoked outside in the breezeway and let their debris and butts drop to the floor below, often on my doorstep. The complex issued letters about the littering, but never followed up.
The dumpsters were turned off for the weekends, very often early in the day on Friday so trash and debris built up outside the dumpster throughout the weekend.
The management has changed at least three times that I've noticed, although I tried to stay away from the office as much as possible.
When I went to put my 60 day notice (January 20th roughly)the office staff left me standing unattended for several minutes because they were busy talking. Finally when I was acknowledged I signed a paper stating I wanted to vacate April 1. Several days later I received an improperly addressed letter in the postal mail acknowledging my notice with a list of repairs I would be responsible for, including rug shampooing and painting. Any place I'd lived these were considered routine maintenance upon tenant departure.
I moved into my new residence and went back to my apartment to clean on March 30. On my door was a notice that they had not received my notice of vacation and rates for lease renewal. I returned my keys that afternoon, leaving the apartment cleaned far better than when I moved in. When I went to the office I was greeted to the office being redecorated (they couldn't fix potholes but they can put in hardwood floors?) a new manager who was on the phone and playing with birthday cards too much to really pay attention to me giving her my keys and forwarding address, but against my better judgment I handed these over to her along with my forwarding address. She half explained away the letter they left about not receiving my notice as a failure on the part of the previous management. Talking to her let me know I left just in time.
Today (April 14) I received a call that they'd left an eviction notice on my door and since I failed to respond they would proceed with the eviction. I told her about turning in my keys and leaving my forwarding address with the woman in the managers office. I was told she would look into it. I will be following up.
My advice, run.
During the course of my living there my car was broken into once, something the management never responded to. I did not expect compensation, but after I contacted police I contacted them (via email) to ask if I they needed any information on the event. They never responded. The "security" gates were broken more than they worked, from when I first moved in my windows may have been open when it rained they leaked so badly, they fixed a leak, but never resealed or even painted over the subsequent water stains. During the two winters I was there there were potholes near one of the back gates so significant its a wonder no one got flats out there.
I have never had cockroaches in any place that I've lived, and yet in this apartment I'd had several that came in from the inadequately sealed windows.
The complex is serviced by a useless company called direcpath for its internet needs and as a subcontract for Directv service, which I was told was the only cable/internet I was allowed to have. The equipment for this was in the club house. They neglected to pay the electric bill on the clubhouse which resulted in me losing internet for a week, which had a direct impact on my employment.
I asked for MONTHS for a key to the exercise room, and was refused because they were changing the lock on the door. Finally I gave up. So essentially I paid for amenities that I never got to use.
My water bill was around $11. when I moved in, while I can appreciate inflation, my consumption which has not changed went from $11-$12 to anywhere from $16-18.
The complex itself is falling apart, and yet they chose not to fix the things that were broken, but to renovate the "clubhouse" which was now available for party rentals. This would be the same clubhouse they failed to pay electrical on, and that housed the workout room I was refused a key to.
I had neighbors above me throughout my tenancy one were people that were so loud that they shook my light fixtures when they walked. Another notable tenant were the group that smoked outside in the breezeway and let their debris and butts drop to the floor below, often on my doorstep. The complex issued letters about the littering, but never followed up.
The dumpsters were turned off for the weekends, very often early in the day on Friday so trash and debris built up outside the dumpster throughout the weekend.
The management has changed at least three times that I've noticed, although I tried to stay away from the office as much as possible.
When I went to put my 60 day notice (January 20th roughly)the office staff left me standing unattended for several minutes because they were busy talking. Finally when I was acknowledged I signed a paper stating I wanted to vacate April 1. Several days later I received an improperly addressed letter in the postal mail acknowledging my notice with a list of repairs I would be responsible for, including rug shampooing and painting. Any place I'd lived these were considered routine maintenance upon tenant departure.
I moved into my new residence and went back to my apartment to clean on March 30. On my door was a notice that they had not received my notice of vacation and rates for lease renewal. I returned my keys that afternoon, leaving the apartment cleaned far better than when I moved in. When I went to the office I was greeted to the office being redecorated (they couldn't fix potholes but they can put in hardwood floors?) a new manager who was on the phone and playing with birthday cards too much to really pay attention to me giving her my keys and forwarding address, but against my better judgment I handed these over to her along with my forwarding address. She half explained away the letter they left about not receiving my notice as a failure on the part of the previous management. Talking to her let me know I left just in time.
Today (April 14) I received a call that they'd left an eviction notice on my door and since I failed to respond they would proceed with the eviction. I told her about turning in my keys and leaving my forwarding address with the woman in the managers office. I was told she would look into it. I will be following up.
My advice, run.
Friday, April 9, 2010
The Great Outdoors
I am sitting outside on the patio of my new apartment with the laptop :) Other than the terribly uncomfy chair I am in (made moreso by the weight I am carrying) its a beautiful day and I couldn't stand to stay inside. I have been using that sparkpeople app for the blackberry to help keep track of/control my eating. Keeping myself accountable the minute I put something in my mouth. Currently I am most amused by the bees that are lingering/hovering just outside the range of my patio, confused I think to see someone sitting out here.
Despite my boss' generosity in giving/lending (not sure) me these chairs, I think eventually I am going to buy something a little more permanent. The only problem would be if I move eventually where will they go. I am tempted to go out today and shop a bit on one hand. On the other hand I am so tired its all I can do to keep my eyes open, and on the bees.
But its a beautiful day, and in more amazingly good news, the icecream man came by and he's got normal icecream man music as opposed to that chimey annoying crap the one who came in the other place has.
Also, I am being stalked by a bee. It keeps hovering outside the perimeter of my patio.
I hear people outside, but because of the position of my apartment I can't really see anyone. I could in theory change my clothes and go for a walk too, around the complex, or up the road there is a wj freeman (or something like that) park. I could even take my camera and take pictures.
I kind of want to just stay home today, mainly because I have been on the road all week. My aunt's computer was broken so with a friend's help I was able to repair it. I think the running back and forth is part of what kind of did me in as far as being tired. It has nothing at all to do with me staying up too late and waking up early lol.
Despite my boss' generosity in giving/lending (not sure) me these chairs, I think eventually I am going to buy something a little more permanent. The only problem would be if I move eventually where will they go. I am tempted to go out today and shop a bit on one hand. On the other hand I am so tired its all I can do to keep my eyes open, and on the bees.
But its a beautiful day, and in more amazingly good news, the icecream man came by and he's got normal icecream man music as opposed to that chimey annoying crap the one who came in the other place has.
Also, I am being stalked by a bee. It keeps hovering outside the perimeter of my patio.
I hear people outside, but because of the position of my apartment I can't really see anyone. I could in theory change my clothes and go for a walk too, around the complex, or up the road there is a wj freeman (or something like that) park. I could even take my camera and take pictures.
I kind of want to just stay home today, mainly because I have been on the road all week. My aunt's computer was broken so with a friend's help I was able to repair it. I think the running back and forth is part of what kind of did me in as far as being tired. It has nothing at all to do with me staying up too late and waking up early lol.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
More Dreaming
Last night was extremely non restful sleep. I'm assuming part of it was still being kind of stressed from the storm I drove through which was scary as hell. I hate when I can't see the road under me! And when its raining so hard that Memphis drivers stop dead still in the middle of the road you know its bad.
I dreamed that I was leaving my aunts and had to meet my boss to pick something up, I think for her. I got into a wreck and killed someone on my way back home from meeting him, and all anyone kept saying was if I hadn't gone to meet him, if I had left a little later, if I hadn't been in that place at that time none of that would have happened.
I know its not true, that accident didn't happen, I am a safe driver, and when it got to storming that bad I pulled off the road until I felt safe enough to slowly drive home, but its one of those dreams that just sticks with you.
I dreamed that I was leaving my aunts and had to meet my boss to pick something up, I think for her. I got into a wreck and killed someone on my way back home from meeting him, and all anyone kept saying was if I hadn't gone to meet him, if I had left a little later, if I hadn't been in that place at that time none of that would have happened.
I know its not true, that accident didn't happen, I am a safe driver, and when it got to storming that bad I pulled off the road until I felt safe enough to slowly drive home, but its one of those dreams that just sticks with you.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
You'd be so pretty if...
The five words I hate most in the world? Quite possibly! I had a bad morning today. A really bad morning. A morning that made me want to punch the mirror, and cry. Two things I haven't done while getting dressed/putting on makeup in a long time. I already talked a little about the search for clothes, my weight issues in my 4 or 5 line mobile post.
I need control over my food, and I think I found a tool that can help me, but I have to put the work into it.
Those five words though haunt me. I've heard them my whole life, from my family. The people who are supposed to love and support you unconditionally. Today I got a variation from my aunt. You could have any man you wanted...
The end of the sentence is always the same, if you just lost weight. If you weren't such a fucking fatass is what I hear every time. "No one is going to look at how beautiful you are if you're fat." I know these things are true. I live them every day. Most people don't want the personality, they want the bikini model. That is something I will never be.
It sucks and its hurtful and mean. It makes me feel like shit. And when I am feeling this low and out of control, I eat. And I get fatter and apparently uglier. Some days, and no not to the point of depression that I've had in the past, and not to the point of self mutilation I've been to in the past, but I have to wonder why I bother.
I hate looking in the mirror, and what's funnier, I feel on one hand that my aunt, who tells me I need a man, and I would have one if... sabotages me. She tries to force food on me every time I go there, but she sabotages herself too. She only makes fried and/or fattening foods. She doesn't try for lighter options, partially because her husband, my uncle wouldn't know what to do about it, but also because she finds her comfort in food as much as I do.
I don't know if its more insulting or less insulting that someone who also has food and weight problems is telling me I'd be so pretty ifs... On one hand they can relate to them, on the other they know how bad they hurt.
I need to get to sleep. Early work day. Right now I'm just hoping I have a better day tomorrow. I worry sometimes that I will start that bad slide. It scares me. I've been through it so many times before, and sometimes I feel like I don't have anyone really to talk about it with who understands, but I know I have support, and people I can count on. I have a lot of people in my life, online and off that I never had before. I've got a boss that I didn't think existed. An extended family in the MFD that I can't imagine not having now.
Despite all of the pre-existing negative feelings, the hell I went through working at Baptist, and now this most recent bout of issues moving to Memphis was bar none the best thing I did for my life. I guess I can't fix all the 30 years of fuckup in 5 1/2 although it would be nice.
I need control over my food, and I think I found a tool that can help me, but I have to put the work into it.
Those five words though haunt me. I've heard them my whole life, from my family. The people who are supposed to love and support you unconditionally. Today I got a variation from my aunt. You could have any man you wanted...
The end of the sentence is always the same, if you just lost weight. If you weren't such a fucking fatass is what I hear every time. "No one is going to look at how beautiful you are if you're fat." I know these things are true. I live them every day. Most people don't want the personality, they want the bikini model. That is something I will never be.
It sucks and its hurtful and mean. It makes me feel like shit. And when I am feeling this low and out of control, I eat. And I get fatter and apparently uglier. Some days, and no not to the point of depression that I've had in the past, and not to the point of self mutilation I've been to in the past, but I have to wonder why I bother.
I hate looking in the mirror, and what's funnier, I feel on one hand that my aunt, who tells me I need a man, and I would have one if... sabotages me. She tries to force food on me every time I go there, but she sabotages herself too. She only makes fried and/or fattening foods. She doesn't try for lighter options, partially because her husband, my uncle wouldn't know what to do about it, but also because she finds her comfort in food as much as I do.
I don't know if its more insulting or less insulting that someone who also has food and weight problems is telling me I'd be so pretty ifs... On one hand they can relate to them, on the other they know how bad they hurt.
I need to get to sleep. Early work day. Right now I'm just hoping I have a better day tomorrow. I worry sometimes that I will start that bad slide. It scares me. I've been through it so many times before, and sometimes I feel like I don't have anyone really to talk about it with who understands, but I know I have support, and people I can count on. I have a lot of people in my life, online and off that I never had before. I've got a boss that I didn't think existed. An extended family in the MFD that I can't imagine not having now.
Despite all of the pre-existing negative feelings, the hell I went through working at Baptist, and now this most recent bout of issues moving to Memphis was bar none the best thing I did for my life. I guess I can't fix all the 30 years of fuckup in 5 1/2 although it would be nice.
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